It’s Monday morning and I have a stack of work to do.
There’s a multitude of emails in my inbox, two WordPress clients expecting results, my personal website to re-brand, articles to load into The Yoga Lunchbox, numerous tasks for the website, accounts to do, workshops to prepare, classes to prep…
The list goes on and on and I haven’t even mentioned writing.
Which – as you may have noticed in the last few months – keeps getting moved to the end of the queue because I have all these other things that must get done.
Yet the reason I’m doing all these other things is because I started writing this website. And love writing this website. But I don’t have time to write anymore!
Moreover, in the last year I’ve probably worked an average of 20 to 30 hours a week and, after expenses, I haven’t made a single cent.
This morning, with my son wanting me to play with him, and the sun shining, and my writing muse begging for some love…
…I had to wonder…
What the hell am I doing?
What am I doing?
Mostly, I’m building a business so I can become financially independent, and able to support myself and my son.
Looking at last year, with all the work I did, and the money I didn’t make, I have to ask myself, is it working?
And I don’t know if it is. Not as I’ve been doing it anyway.
This morning, as I feel my frsutration levels rising, and anger building as I struggle with my work load, I know it’s time to tune in and pay attention to these feelings.
What’s the message my deeper Self is sending out through these bodily sensations?
I can sense it’s my creative Self asking for relief so she has the space to express herself.
So I ditch all the have-to-dos and instead start writing.
The relief is instantaneous.
This is what I’m here to do.
This is why I started this website.
This is what people respond to most.
This is where my value lies – in being able to observe the internal processes of being human, and write about it in such a way that other people can see their own journey reflected in mine.
So many of us feel trapped, spending our days doing things because we think we have to, putting off the things we know our soul is crying out for us to do. I’m not alone in this.
In my situation, everything is self-imposed. I’m choosing to fill my life up with all this stuff because I’m trying to get somewhere.
What does that mean?
It means I’ve got the time and space to devote to my passions – to writing and teaching.
But instead of seeing this as some event off in the future though, I know that I need to make it real right now.
How can I create that time and space for teaching and writing right now, because now is all that exists?
Sometime’s it’s as simple as just opening up a blank page and starting to write.
It’s making everything else wait and knowing that it will be ok. The sky won’t fall if I take this hour to write.
But it’s also looking at the rest of my life and seeing how I can create more space.
That means four more hours of childcare for my son every week, so I can be more present with him when he is around.
It means hiring my first employee so I can pass off the admin tasks of running this website and instead focus on the writing of the website.
It means letting go of the work that doesn’t serve my core purpose – like creating WordPress websites.
And it also means paying close attention anytime I want to start something new, or say Yes! to something new. I need to ask myself, is this really worth devoting time towards?
For now, I’m closing my computer, and going to play with my son. Maybe sitting outside on the deck and watching the ducks in the stream that run past our house. Or walking to the park to push him in the swing.
It takes trust for me to do this – trust that it’s ok to stop, trust that it’s ok to listen to my body and know that my feelings are valid. Trust that I do know what’s best for me. That I’m not shirking, or being lazy.
Once upon a time, I would’ve denied or suppressed these feelings. Run away from them, or the situation that was generating them.
Now I know that these feelings are important. They’re there to show me that I’m slightly off course. That I need to tune in, listen, and respond.
It’s so simple really.
No big drama.
No big struggle.
Just a noticing.
Ah.. something is out of balance.
And a response.
Bringing myself back into balance.
But never easy.
I reckon that’s why I seem to be learning the same lesson every few months… over and over.
Maybe this time I’ll finally get it.