In practice this week, I noticed that when I’ve told the story of my awakening/psychosis experience, it’s always been focused on the relationship I was in, and how that contributed to the experience.
But there’s another big piece to that story. And it’s one I’ve never told before. That intrigued me. Why had I not looked at that aspect of the story before?
Scanning through my life’s history, I saw the pattern repeated over and over again: My story has always been told through the lens of relationships with men – what worked, what didn’t, what I learned, how I grew.
The reason for that?
I was carrying a deep core fear that I was too fucked up to love. And, terrified that might be true, my life was predominantly focused on making sure that didn’t happen.
Over the last eight weeks or so, I’ve been doing a body of work around shifting into my feminine, releasing a false attraction between danger & attraction, dropping into flow rather than planning and structure in my work day, and moving into trust and surrender rather than do do do.
Doing this work shone a sharp spotlight on the way my mind was still hooked on being in relationship. So I decided to turn inward and release the final anchor keeping that very old pattern in place.
That was five days of intensity, emotion, fear, and chaos.
But I did it.
I got down to the anchor, acknowledged it, felt the energetic and emotional roots, and released it all. In the wake of that body of work, a new perspective on my life’s history is beginning to emerge.
As is so often the case.
Our life’s histories are not fixed, and neither are the stories we tell about “what happened”. Our histories and stories are defined by our unconscious beliefs and ideas about who we are and who other people appear to be.
When those beliefs and ideas change, so do the stories.
And that’s what happened to me in practice this week. I saw – for the first time – the untold part of that story.
See, when I met the man I was with during my psychosis, I had just finished writing my first screenplay. And, not only that, but I’d entered that screenplay in a national writing competition and I’d been selected, along with about five other writers. It was a huge success – my first screenplay and I was on my way!
The win meant that I was now part of the Praxis programme, and was assigned a mentor – a real screenwriter with screen credits. He helped me write the next draft which I submitted for the next round – the prize this time was an Actor’s Reading.
I won again. My screenplay – The Scholar and the Warrior, a children’s fantasy adventure about two sisters – was selected to be read by real-life actors. And this is where things begin to unravel for me. At the reading, another screenwriter made what felt like me a snide comment.
“Don’t waste your time on a fantasy adventure screenplay as a first-time writer – it will never get produced.”
I felt like he was saying
“Who do you think you are?”
Back then, I didn’t know how to handle those kinds of comments. I didn’t know how fragile and vulnerable I was, underneath my practiced veneer of projected confidence.
After the Actor’s Reading, I poured my heart into the re-writes, because I knew that while the characters, the plot, the pacing, and the story’s world was all awesome…. what I lacked as a writer was the emotional heart of the story.
I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. And this was all during the first few months when I was with this amazing man who fell head over heels in love with me. I was on a high – on my way to a screenwriting career plus with a gorgeous man I loved.
But despite all the energy I poured into that screenplay, I couldn’t write my way into the emotional heart of the story.
I gave up. And started a new screenplay. And another one. And another one. But I couldn’t get going on any of the new ones.
And screenwriting fell by the wayside.
I was stuck. And I was unconscious of the reasons and so unable to face into the dilemma and do anything about it.
By now, the cracks in our relationship were showing too… and this beautiful man began to see past the thin veneer of projected confidence and into my insecure and uncertain heart.
My worst fear was becoming true: I was too fucked up to love. Cue intense emotional stress, old avoidance and suppression patterns, and finally, awakening/psychosis.
In the wake of all that, the screenwriting was forgotten, and all my energy and focus went on my healing and recovery, and on proving that I wasn’t too fucked up to love.
My emotional response to the apparent death of that dream was never felt, let alone acknowledged. I just stuffed it all down, and turned away… yet the emotional fall out from that experience must have been a big part of my psychosis.
It’s been fourteen years now. Fourteen years! And over those fourteen years… I have given myself a doctorate in the emotional heart of human beings. I understand the human psyche inside out, thanks to the work I’ve done on myself, and the work I do with other people.
I have stripped away all false confidence and projections, and dialled down into my own power, and my radiant heart.
I have become the kind of woman who can handle any and all snide comments, attitudes and other random poison.
I have become a woman who could write a screenplay.
Of course, having walked that path once before, I also know exactly how much work and commitment it takes. I know that one needs to stay completely unattached to outcome – to the screenplay being produced.
Yet when I feel into it… the idea of once again immersing myself in the process of character creation, world creation and plot creation fills me with delight and joy.
I could do it.
I could choose to write another screenplay.
For the satisfaction.
For the joy.
For the fun.
For the pleasure.
And that knowingness – just the knowingness – fills me up with such juiciness.
So I’m doing it, I’m applying for entry into a Masters of Screenwriting for 2019. It’s time to pick up where I left off, all those year ago.
I’m writing myself back into the story… the story of being a screenwriter.
That’s the power of dissolving layers and releasing unconscious fears. We can re-write our histories and free up our futures.
If you need help with this – I do 1:1 Sessions with people. Find out more at KaraLeah.com.