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[…] this creation of atmosphere I read an interesting interview with Donna Farhi on teaching, where she focused on the role of the teacher in holding space for the student to learn […]
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“as a teacher I attempt to offer my fullest commitment to the process of creating a context where the student can realize the wisdom of Yoga through their own practice.” Such wise words, and it definitely is true! It’s so important that any student of yoga realizes this! 🙂 ~Christina, http://girlonyoga.com
I enjoyed this article because it reinforces what I was taught during my training and also with the position I maintain with my students.
I practice expressing love and respect for my students. It seems to be working, since I feel that coming back from them. When I teach, it is not as a man or a woman. My mindset is miles above that. I depend on the energy I feel in the room combined with my loosely laid-out plan/ideas for sequencing, knowing it will flow. I insert cues both mental and physical. I do not label the practice I teach as anything other than Hatha yoga, the physical expression of Yoga.
I have friends who come to my classes. I have other yoga teachers who have become friends over the years. I also have a student who became a friend and calls me her mentor, now that she is a teacher herself. As a rule, I talk very little about personal things. If I choose to tell a personal story as illustration of something I am teaching, it goes out to the whole class. No one is “special” in the eyes of the rest of the students.
I do not “need” friends. I honor the friendships I have. What I need is to show people they are lovable and that they show it to themselves. After they know that, their lives reflect that love. One by one………..
I appreciate this interview. I agree with most of what Ms. Farhi is saying. However, I can’t help but feel that it is offering too limited a notion of friendship. Just because men have mistreated women, and male yoga teachers have had ethical lapses, does not mean that there is no friendship to be had between teacher and student. The notion that in order to maintain a safe space for students, the relationship can not be personal, is problematic. While she seems to embrace a non-hierarchical idea about yoga, a distinction between mentor and friend places the teacher, once again, in a place above the student.
Are there not different levels of friendship? I have many people I consider to be friends who I do not look to to have my social needs met or share my deepest feelings with, but they are still my friends. And then I have other friends where the relationship does entail that sort of exchange. Sometimes, the role I play as a friend involves me being of help in a mentor sort of way and sometimes it doesn’t. But I consider them both friendships.
Since when is it inappropriate for a friend to challenge another friend to be a better person? Is that not the nature of a friendship? To call each other out on our misgivings? And be sensitive enough to do that in a constructive way? This is the sort of dynamic I have with my best friends. And those teachers who kept me at bay, friendly but not friends, were not there for me as a teacher at a certain point. They did not extend themselves beyond a professional relationship. Consequently, things took place that were not based on our mutual relationship but an abstract idea of what a mentor or teacher is supposed to be.
I don’t think the comparison to a therapist is fair. A yoga teacher is not a psychotherapist. And even with the protocols that therapy has, there are still ethical lapses and boundaries crossed. So friendly but not friends does not really address the root causes of why things go bad between yoga teachers and students. And potentially creates a lack of transparency between teacher and student that allows for a disconnect.
I agree that there is a profound responsibility to taking on the role of being a yoga teacher. But I believe that we can meet that responsibility in mutual friendship.
For more on my position: http://www.jbrownyoga.com/blog/2015/2/yoga-teacher-as-friend
Cheers to Kara-Leah and Yoga Lunchbox for the stimulating content. Cheers.
Love your insights and totally agree with the points noted. Namaste.
Hey J.
You raise some excellent points, and point out many of the things I’ve been wondering too after reading Donna’s interview. There may be different ways of seeing the concept “friend”. As you point out, there are many different levels of friends.
I am deeply impressed with the depth of thought that underlies so many of everyone’s comments about this article . . .whether people agreed or disagreed with my viewpoint. It’s also part of my pedagogic model that you have a right to come to a conclusion different than mine and that we can engage in a respectful dialogue. However, I want to point out, that the issue of “friendship” was not central to my interview, it was only brought up in the context of Mark Whitwell’s comments.
After 40 years of almost daily practice I have come to the conclusion that the central purpose of Yoga is to befriend oneself and in compassionately learning to love oneself, be able to befriend others and extend that friendship to all of humanity. I do have yoga students who have become my “personal” friends, but usually only when we are both peers. All of that said, I think the issue of whether we have personal friendships with our students is less important than whether we misuse our student’s trust in unethical ways. Unethical behavior is not limited to inappropriate sexual liaison but can include aggressive and unasked for physical adjustments or breaching confidentiality . . . or teaching advanced postures to beginning students.
Ironically, in all of the years that I have sat on ethical boards and reviewed very distressing material of ethical breaches, they have rarely arisen through a personal friendship. More often the teacher has set themselves up as an authoritarian figure in the classroom with considerable power over their charges. They have then proceeded to breach that position of leadership by practicing premeditated predatory behavior. What I have also observed in many of the teachers who wantonly use their students as a dating resource, is that the way that they operate in their professional life is an extension of the lack of clarity they have in their personal relationships. Many are married with children, having elicit affairs in a dishonest fashion. It’s not surprisingly that someone with these kinds of values thinks little of engaging a student for their own personal pleasure.
For me, friendship is a deeply personal thing. I want to be able to share all parts of myself with a good friend. Sometimes that means having a good cry or letting myself unravel as I share my challenges and vulnerability. Its a fine line what we disclose or don’t disclose when we teach, but I doubt many people would want to attend a class with a teacher sobbing their heart out, or outlining the details of their marriage difficulties in between poses. If we are not getting our needs met in personal intimate relationships and our personal friendships it’s likely we’ll be spilling, and leaking boundaries in ways that don’t feel good to our students.
Recently, I had a massage with a bodyworker who spent the better part of the 1-1/2 session talking about her relationship challenges. I care about this person, but I am paying her for a service, and her spilling the intimate details of her life left me feeling stressed, I haven’t returned because I didn’t find the session nourishing or healing. I think as teachers if we enter into every exchange with the intention of being of service to our students we cannot go wrong.
with deep respect to you all,
Donna
Beautifully stated Donna! I wish you were in the States!!
Controversy Alert: The genuine yoga teacher IS your friend! Do not accept inauthentic impostors of this ilk… As much as I aspire to solidarity among spiritual people, I cannot condone this misguided article which is disturbing on many levels. Because everyone is entitled to an opinion, mine is that an exceptional yoga teacher is one who offers unconditional love and support to their students, which necessarily includes non-hierarchical friendships. I cannot endorse this cold-hearted business-like “pedagogic model” approach that Mrs. Donna Farhi espouses which hints at a type of narcissistic power imbalance between teacher and low ranking student (…until they are ready to become her peer? seriously get over yourself woman !) Believe me that love has nothing to do with this competitive role playing of master yoga instructor enlightening the student … in some impoverished “facilitating safe space” narrative. A true Guru loves their students unconditionally and it is this love that helps guide and deliver them from an ego based existence to one predicated upon love. This senseless division of yoga teacher – student is a distorted ego driven Westernized spin on a sacred Eastern Vedic tradition.
Hey Vee,
I don’t think the article is misguided. It’s an interview with a respected teacher exploring some key topics. And it’s a topic that we’re looking at from many different perspectives, such as the Mark Whitwell interview published a few weeks ago. Donna does talk about constantly pointing the student back to their own internal wisdom, suggesting that she’s not playing a role of enlightening anyone. Nor does not being friends preclude loving one’s students.
I want to add a little something. After placing this comment, I had two conversations with women I deeply respect, my wife and one of the senior teachers at my center. And I discovered that there seems to be a a potential gender difference. Their idea of friendship was different then mine. To them, when you say “friend” it means all in. And there is a big responsibility to live up to it. But when I say friend it has more to do with a sense of us both being mutual humans, without any particular conditions placed on it, In any case, I do think its worth parsing what we mean when say friend. And, as risky as it is to suggest, there may be a difference between men and women in this regard.
Hey J.
Thanks for coming back and adding that. I’ve been wondering about the different perspective that Mark and Donna may have on what ‘friend’ means. Often we all use the same word thinking we mean the same thing… but we don’t and that’s where the difficulty arises.
I love that you’ve continued the discussion with women close to you who have pointed this out as well.
Perhaps there is a gender difference in the way ‘friend’ is perceived.
I agree J. Brown. There must be.
Hey,
I liked the article. Very informative. It is good to read opinions of diiferent teachers.
Pls keep me posted.
Namaste
Sunil
The term ‘friend’ is certainly a complex, multilayered term that has many connotations that do get further complicated by the perspectives and interactions of the sexes — both between people of the same sex, and between opposite sexes (which is further complicated by role or power differentials).
We do ourselves a disservice when we treat the term as meaning just one thing.
Perhaps a fair definition of ‘friend’ would be a relationship of wishing another well, without strings attached and with some degree of knowledge of that individual’s personal situation that he or she freely shared. This would include offering insights when asked (as opposed to unsolicited advice). That is of course also tricky, and the teacher needs a clear sense of boundaries for his or her own sake — because the student may be trying to pull on some strings too.
The emphasis is upon wishing the other well, without strings attached (i.e. expecting personal benefit or any form of personal gratification).
Perhaps that is what Mark Whitwell means by being a friend — no more, no less. I can’t say either.
It is a deeply tricky situation fraught with perils for all sides, and I respect the clarity Donna is bringing to it. Given the power differential involved, the approach to the language and boundaries does have to be more strict, without going so far as counseling coldness or clinical detachment. Donna manages this quite well, and thank you for it!
Great comments all around! I think the real ethical dilemma/question here is what constitutes a friend…what is the definition of friend? My teacher, and YTT instructor, is a dear friend in the sense that we’re deeply in each other’s hearts but we don’t “hang” together much. We learn from each other…sometimes she’s the teacher…and sometimes I, the “older” one is the teacher. It’s all good if it feeds and nourishes both parties!