by Kara-Leah Grant, Musings from the Mat
It’s a bit of an on-going saga right now, this life of mine, but I feel compelled to write about it.
Well… because I feel like it’s important. Like I have this opportunity to face great change in my life with great courage.
And writing about the challenges, the difficulties and the triumphs will show other people a yogic way to live – a way that’s about being conscious and open-hearted.
It’s about taking the tools I’ve learned on the mat and applying them off the mat. Which is what this column has always been about really.
So here’s where I’m at. I don’t have much money in the bank. I have no regular income. I have a child to support.
I have an incredible network of family, friends, subscribers, clients, readers and supporters.
And I have a lovely place to stay with a dear friends in Paekakariki.
Yep, I’m pretty damn blessed.
Which isn’t to say that Fear isn’t creeping up and blowing softly on the crock of my neck.
“How you going to pay rent?”
“How you going to buy food?”
“Seen the price of gas lately?”
“Better go do something, quick.”
“Better take control of the situation.”
I’m hearing those whispers of Fear, but I ain’t listening. Nope, instead, I’m… waiting. Not passively mind you. This waiting is active and empowering. Like the difference between sprawling on the couch and sitting in Sukhasana (easy pose).
My waiting means using this time of stillness to dig deep into my darkness to root out deeply-ingrained patterns of behaviour (samskaras). The ones that have been unconsciously driving my behaviour for years, creating results in my life that I haven’t wanted.
It feels like freefall, this waiting. Dropping backwards into nothingness and hoping and praying that I can fly. It’s scary as all hell, but now that I’m getting used to it, it’s exhilarating too.
See, once upon a time, this would have been real tough for me. I felt so much more comfortable when I was taking action. When I was doing something. When I was in control yo!
Sitting in this total insecurity as the bottom falls out of my world has taken courage. But it was either do that or do what I’d always done, and that’s never worked before hand either.
Yep, I’ve been in this space before, many times – most notably after leaving my second-last relationship in 2007. On the surface, I was all excited about being by myself, being able to pursue my passions and interests and chase my own destiny with no man to consider. (And no child back then either!) The world was my oyster and I was going to savour every salty morsel.
However… on the inside, Fear had a stranglehold. That unconscious terror – can I survive on my own doing what I love – sent me running head-first into my last relationship. At least, it was a big part of it.
But not this time.
Nope, I’m sitting tight, having faith, and inquiring into the Self to determine right action.
As I sit, I listen to the feelings that arise.
And even when it doesn’t make sense, I’m learning to trust, ‘cos I’ve seen enough to know that the universe is a mysterious place. We can never know quite how things are going to unfold.
Three months ago, standing in a secondhand book shop I spied a copy of Brandon Bay’s book The Journey. I felt like buying it, but my rational, trying-to-be-all cool, mind says:
No, you don’t need that anymore. You’re past that new age stuff.
A month or so later, I get a call from Brandon’s NZ PR agency. She’s coming to New Zealand and would I like to interview her?
Would I ever!
Needed that damn book I didn’t buy.
But if you’d have told me three months ago an opportunity to interview Brandon Bays was going to just drop into my lap, well… jeez!
After our interview, Brandon invited me to attend her weekend intensive on February 21th & 13th as her guest. All kinds of thoughts flashed through my mind – childcare, accommodation, flights, transfers – yet out of my mouth I heard the words come:
Thanks Brandon, I will come to that.
I got off the phone and that sensation of freefall threatened to totally envelope me, it was scary as all hell, but I took a deep breath and just stood my ground.
And wouldn’t you know, most excellent childcare showed up immediately, as did accommodation walking distance from the workshop, plus cash for flights. I’m off to The Journey Intensive this Friday.
I have no idea where this is going to take me. And that’s ok.
Despite the total lack of security about my situation, I’ve got the courage to be here. (Thank you Warrior I, II & III!)
Damned if this time if I’m not going to stick it out.
I ain’t doing nothing, nor going no-where unless I’m 100% certain it’s the right thing for me to do.
I got trust baby, and I got faith (a’faith, a’faith…)
How can I possibly crash and burn?
And you know what?
Who cares if I do?
At least I jumped.
Just watch me fly.