Practicing at home can be less challenging
Back in February, I wrote an article called Why I may never take another yoga class ever again.
And true to my word, I hadn’t been to a class in six months, instead practicing daily at home.
One of the reasons I’d been steering clear of classes was that in class I’d struggled with being told what to do by a teacher. Often it felt like what my body needed and what the teacher was sequencing wasn’t right for me.
But a few weekends ago I went to two yoga classes at a yoga studio that’s part of a local gym. I was curious to see what the experience would be like this time.
It was… an opportunity for observation and open-heartedness. And a reminder of the importance of perspective – seeing experience not just in terms of me, me, me but the bigger picture of how something fits into the whole.
The biggest challenge was considering how best to respond to the offered practice in a way that was respectful to the teacher and honoured my body.
Here’s why:
The sun salutations and linking vinyasas were far faster than my natural breath cycle.
I couldn’t allow my breath to lead me through the postures without getting out of sync with the rest of the class – which was moving at more than twice my speed.
What to do?
- Ignore my breath and just move through the postures like it was aerobics?
- Speed up my breath, making it short and shallow so I could keep up?
- Go at my pace and fall further and further behind the class?
Tricky, tricky, tricky… I ended up compromising.
I moved faster than I normally would, breathing faster and shallower, and sometimes just going straight to downward dog so at least I could get two full breaths in the posture without getting out of sync.
This was a valuable lesson for me as a yoga teacher – the importance of providing space within sequences for the natural variances in people’s breath cycles. Especially in sequences with one breath per posture like sun salutations. It’s probably better to teach at a pace that means some people need to take two or three breaths per posture so that those with a long, full breath are able to be with their breath.
It also made me consider the importance of going slowly through a sequence – five breaths or so – setting up each posture, so that when you then repeat the same sequence with one breath per posture, you can allow the class the freedom to move at their own pace, all connecting at downward dog, or mountain pose.
Figuring out how to work with the pace and the breath wasn’t my real challenge in these two classes though.
I also had plenty of opportunity to witness my mind’s capacity for discernment and judgement, and the difference between the two.
Judgement observes a person saying or doing something and says, ‘That’s good,’ or That’s bad’.
Discernment observes a person doing or saying something and says, ‘That’s good for me, or ‘That’s bad for me’.
One is an absolute that determines the way the world is, the other determines what a thing is in relation to me.
For example, listening to a yoga teacher telling me to go hard… judgement says:
That teacher sucks, she shouldn’t telling me to go hard. This ain’t aerobics, it’s yoga!
Discernment is saying:
Going hard isn’t right for my body today.
Throughout the class, I cycled back and forth between the two states – oh, yep, I’m being a judgmental bitch again. No, I’m moving back into discernment. Judgment. Discernment. Judgment. Discernment.
It was a good lesson. It was a hard lesson. Oh how I wanted to judge these teachers for their lack of knowledge, but in doing so, I risked missing out on the beauty of what they were offering, their presence and passion for yoga.
My next challenge was making sense of the sequencing.
As a teacher, especially post-LA classes with Shiva, I feel like there is so much I have to learn. Especially when it comes to creating safe, sound sequences which open the body in a logical, powerful and safe manner.
Sometimes, my knowledge of how little I know and how much I have to learn makes me think I shouldn’t be teaching at all.
I just know that if Shiva was to observe how I practice that she’d be able to pick holes left, right and centre in how I’m sequencing, and what I’m missing out.
So when I’m in class with another teacher… I’m hyper-sensitive to the sequencing.
In the middle of the class when the teacher calls out the next pose, my inner dialogue screams;
That’s not right, I’m not doing that, after that, like that!
I have to wonder… why am I resisting?
- Is it because the sequencing is new to me and I’ve got fixed ideas of how sequencing ‘should’ be?
- Is it because the sequencing is silly and has no point to it?
- Is it because the sequencing isn’t right for the body?
- Or is it because the sequencing is unsafe?
Case in point – The Unfamiliar Sequence:
The teacher cued us from Warrior II with hands interlaced behind the spine, into a forward bend on the inside of the front leg, retaining the Warrior II legs as your foundation.
My inner dialogue says;
‘That forward-bend variation should be used in Warrior I, not II.’
Am I stuck on a fixed idea? Or is the sequencing not right for the body?
I do it anyway, letting go of my fixed idea.
It doesn’t feel right.
There’s too much weight over the front leg and it feels like I’m unable to ground down enough through the back leg to offset it.
Is this because of my own incompetence in the posture or is this because this variation doesn’t allow prana to flow naturally?
Second case in point – The Potentially Risky Sequence:
We were asked to move from a hip-width forward bend into half-moon posture, which requires externally rotating over the standing leg hip joint while it’s bearing weight.
Feels unsafe to me – too much risk of people sinking into their joints while rotating.
Much safer to find the external rotation of the weight-bearing leg first, with no weight on it – like in Warrior II – and then come into the posture.
So what to do?
- Ignore the sequencing in the middle of a class?
- Or suck it up and keep my body as safe as I can?
I choose the second option, mostly.
I keep my mind open, obey the sequencing which feels odd to me, and stay in sync with the class.
Until – case in point: The ‘What the F*ck?’ sequence:
After what I thought was the closing sequence of bridge, shoulderstand, plough, and deaf mans pose – the teacher takes us back into downward dog, three limbed dog and pigeon. After shoulderstand!
Here’s when I just go;
What the fuck? You’re making me come out of shoulderstand and do three-limbed dog? Are you crazy?!
I’m behind the class as it is – getting up into shoulderstand safely takes time for me, as does moving into plough. I’ve forgone deafmans pose and am moving down into a moment’s savasana, feeling like I need fish pose when everyone else is in three limbed downward dog going into pigeon.
Serious rebellion in my mind:
I’ve just been in shouldstand!
I don’t want to go back into downward dog!
You can’t make me!
But I can see this is a new sequence and I don’t want to skip out on it all and disrespect the teacher. Who knows, I’m only a beginning teacher myself, maybe this is a perfectly respectable and safe way to sequence?
So I suck it up.
Lets just see how it feels.
I move into downward dog.
It feels wrong.
This is wrong, insists my mind.
Then three legged dog.
Even worse.
What the…
By now, you’re probably wondering why I went to these classes anyway, and why after the first one, I went back.
Curiousity. Convenience. It’s a beautiful studio. They had a first time $10 for two class special. And it’s nice to go to a class once in awhile.
Plus going to class gave me a chance to practice things I don’t at home:
- Like how to walk the fine line between respecting the external teacher and the internal teacher.
- And how to move out of judgment and into discernment.
- And how to stay open-hearted and accept the gifts on offer rather than moaning and groaning about the way that gift is wrapped.
After all, this particular gym has made the effort to incorporate yoga into it’s offering in a beautiful way.
There’s a designated yoga studio, they’re training teachers, they obviously care about the yoga. The people who attend that gym may be experiencing yoga for the first time. They’re likely there to stretch out a bit, or lose a bit of weight, or feel a bit calmer. They’re loving the experience.
They don’t give a rat’s arse that a forward bend in Warrior II isn’t stellar sequencing (and maybe it is).
They’re mostly not going to do anything nasty to their hip joints by going from a forward bend into half moon (which might be a-ok).
And they’re not going care too much about moving from shoulderstand into a pigeon sequence (who knows what benefits that could have?).
They’re blessed with beginner’s mind. And with beginner’s mind, they’re able to gratefully and easily receive the goodness on offer.
Once natural, now Beginner’s Mind is something I need to practice.
It’s a reminder of how a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing, and thinking we know something stops us from experiencing what is… it creates a separation between us and the thing.
So thank you, to the teachers who showed up and whole-heartedly taught, you gave me an opportunity to practice far more than asana in my 90 minute class.
And for that, I am grateful.
I’d been in an unusually generous (for me) space with a sub once at a yoga studio I’d attended every two weeks on average for about 2 years (the rest home practice of intensity that rivaled that of the studio–minus much-needed alignment that I was to learn later, elsewhere). The sequencing was not weird, but then it had been a beginner level-class … it was sequencing that was extremely beginner; and I’d had to modify diagonally upward (e.g. instead of baby cobra I did chaturanga). I’d proudly told one of the co-owners this, who was otherwise a sincere, honest person–the genuine article, as it were (and unusual for that studio). She called me out on this: she said that it was a good thing the sub was very new; otherwise all the energy in the room would have been thrown off …
Yay! So good that you are writing again…I get a LOT out of what you have to say,so thankyou, Kara Leah!
I haven’t yet experienced the “I’m not doing That”….but I often go into child’s pose after a backbend, or stretch my left leg (which as a result of two DeepVeinThrombi is a bit odd), when I need to. Yes, I may miss out on a bit of a sequence, but no-one else can see/feel that I am dealing with an alien limb!
I often feel self-conscious that I am not in sync, and have to practice positive self talk…in that I am honouring my body, my healing.
Hey Gisele,
It’s nice to be back 🙂
And your comment is a reminder that we all come into class with different bodies and do at times need to honour where that body is at… thank you!
Hey Yogini5,
Thanks for sharing your experience. It raises a great question – in a beginner’s class, does it serve the whole better to stick to the poses as taught? And in a mixed level, choose the best variation for our bodies?
Thank you for sharing your through process, KL. I think it’s very brave for you to open your inner thoughts up to the world this way, and provides an excellent opportunity for others to learn and consider their own perspectives anew. I read your previous post about not wanting to go to classes any more with great interest, as well as the ensuing discussion in the comments.
The human body is a surprisingly hardy organism. Of course you need to listen to your own body’s signals, and of course you should never do anything that feels harmful or painful. But doing 3 legged dog after shoulderstand is not going to hurt you! It sounds like you are struggling in giving up what you feel you should be doing in order to follow the teacher, but have you asked yourself what you may be giving up by allowing your mind to be so active during your practice, questioning every movement? Yoga chitta vritti nirodha… still your mind.
It’s a paradox, but one of the greatest freedoms is actually submitting to another’s will. This is the freedom of life in a yoga ashram under a guru. You live every day according to the practice, and you don’t have any chance or place to question it. You are freed from having to decide in every moment what you should do, what time to get up, when to eat, what to chant. You are freed from stirring up the ego’s desires and whims. In the gurukul system, students do not ask the guru “why” for many, many years. Maybe never. They simply submit. Om namah sivaya gurave is an invocation to shiva as a teacher, as the guru of all gurus. As sadakhas only starting our long journey, we can’t reach siva directly so we instead touch the lineage through our teachers, who’s teachers were one step closer, and so on back to siva. Siva is Nataraj, the dancer who’s movements are what we derive every asana from. The resistance to the teacher is our ego mind, fear, separation from oneness.
What is true freedom? is it total freedom to do whatever you want? or is it freedom from wanting? It makes me think about the Japanese tea ceremony. For a long time I didn’t understand it. The idea of carrying out this ritualistic exercise made no sense. Why do you stir the tea exactly this many times, in this direction? Why do you sit in a certain pose that hurts your legs? There is no why, and as an American the lack of why made me want to discount the whole thing. But after a while I finally understood: because every single tiny movement is decided for you, you don’t have to think. You don’t have to worry that you might be doing the wrong thing. You don’t have to worry about someone judging how many times you stirred the tea or how you’re sitting. Because there are no choices, you are freed from all responsibility and can instead by fully present in the experience of the tea ceremony, moment to moment. This is a very different idea of freedom than I knew from my own cultural background.
You see this in many world traditions. The world “Islam” means “submission”. It’s the same idea as “sharanam ganesha”. The activity of the ego mind is the opposite of submission. It’s the voice that says “me! I’m an individual! I am different! I feel this, I want that!” and it is moving away from whatever name you want to give the true oneness – God, Brahman, the universe, inner peace. Every spiritual tradition speaks to this erasing of the lines defining the small self and opening up to the big self we are all part of and ultimately one with.
However, and here is where I agree with you, a very key aspect of the gurukul system is also trust in your guru. Once you commit to a guru, you are only hurting yourself by questioning the teachings, but going to a yoga class at a gym is hardly submitting to a guru. How do we know whom to trust? I have yet to find a guru myself. I have a TON of resistance to a lot of teachings, suspicion of the various imperfections of teachers who are human after all, fear of hurting my body by doing the wrong thing, fear of wasting my time… everything you probably are talking about in your post and more. I still, deep down, believe I am my own best guru, and you are probably your own best guru. But is that the ego mind talking? Those few times when I have truly trusted in the universe and finally LET GO of all the questioning and judging, that’s when I have been most peaceful.
I’m very interested to watch how your thinking about this whole question develops.
Hey Alanna,
Awesome comment! You bring up some great things to contemplate – like the idea of submitting to the will of another person. And being able to trust a person so that you can submit. I feel like there is definitely something there worth exploring – trust & surrender.
Love the inquiry into true freedom too – another wonderful question. I know when I have a set practice that I do everyday, there is huge freedom in releasing into that practice, versus the kind of feeling that comes when my practice is varied and based on what I feel I need each day, which of course goes through the filter of my ego.
You’ve brought a great deal of depth to my initial article – thank you so much!
[shameless self promotion]Hey! I know of a teacher training for this: “Especially when it comes to creating safe, sound sequences which open the body in a logical, powerful and safe manner.” [/shameless self promotion]
😀
I find myself doing the same dance with any class i take! Glad to see YLB taking shape again!
Hey Jenifer,
You gotta add a link to truly make it shameless self-promotion. (And what does that mean anyway? Shameless…. ain’t it grand to be shame-less.) So here’s the link for Jenifer’s teacher training, coming up in Nelson soon.
And yeah, it’s great to be back. Ready to explore things like this around yoga…. with the collective wisdom of the community…
LOL yay! more exposure! We are about half full in the training now, with only about 6.5 weeks to go before the start date. I’m *psyched!*
I finally feel like i’m in a position to start going to other places and connecting with other teachers and practitioners again. it’s been a tough (awesome) 1.5 years getting settled and getting the business going, and i can’t wait to visit classes around town and see what people are exploring. 🙂
you know, head-out-of-asana practice. 😉
Firstly nice to have the yoga lunchbox back in action, I hope you had a great break.
My old practice is similar to ashtanga in that it is the same sequence every day, it is connected to the breath and I love it. Because no one teaches it here I have 2 options, practice solo or go to classes and open myself to other postures I wouldn’t usually do in different sequencing to what I am used to. Immediately I could see very clearly that my body (and mind) was used to the postures I do regularly. I think one of the best things about going to classes is that it forces you to go out of your comfort zone, try new things and challenge you. Its balancing. At home you can shy away from a challenging posture, in a class that harder to do. This was not easy might I say, it was very hard for me to let go of my own practice and be open to a new way of doing things. I have this battle with myself every time I try a new teacher/class.
Because my preferred style of yoga is not available in NZ, I did a ‘yoga crawl’ to find a yoga studio that I liked. It was such a great eye opening exercise I would recommend it to everyone. I went to about 6-7 studios and did 2-3 classes at each. Firstly I learnt there are so many different styles of yoga out there, some of them work for me (ie, hatha, prana flow), some I am unsure of, but a lot of styles don’t work for me at all (ie, iyenga, ashtanga and hot yoga). Within all the different types of yoga (often within the one studio), I found many differences of teaching styles. I didn’t settle on a studio or teacher until I felt right.
But what works for me is going to be completely different to what works for someone else. That is the beauty of yoga, there are so many different styles out there so it can have a wider reach.
Most of the classes I went to were fine, different to what I am used to but still safe and acceptable. A few of the classes were terrible and it concerns me how some teachers appeared to have either very basic training or none at all. You are so correct, a little bit of knowledge can be dangerous thing. The worst moment was the teacher who had us in urdhva dhanurasana and got us to do ‘pumps’ (up down, up down, up down) this was a killer on the wrists and I was not going to do it. Back then, it was hard for me not to follow the class, so I tried it a couple of times and then held the pose for a couple of breaths and rested. Her students seemed to be happy and were all regulars, but her approach to yoga didn’t suit me at all. It felt like a gym workout and was unconnected to the breath. I actually thought it was dangerous. I never went back there.
I have spent almost 2 years dealing with a hip injury. After nearly a whole years break from the mat I am slowing getting my practice back. But my hip is still very sensitive, so when I go to classes I HAVE to modify or adjust what the teacher is asking us to do. I used to have such a strong practice, so it’s taken me a long time to be ‘ok’ with this and accept my body for not being fully functional. I always tell the teacher what is going on beforehand and they are generally very good at encouraging/allowing me to modify. The only time I get into strife is when the teacher says ‘today we are focusing on hips’.
My experience and you post makes does make me wonder what training/certification a yoga teacher is required to have before they can teach a class in NZ. I am concerned that there doesn’t appear to be any minimum standards. Yoga is a powerful tool, there is great potential to mess people up (physically and energetically), I think the teacher needs to know what they are doing!
I love your work KL… very thought provoking writing as usual.
Hey Julia,
Great comment – full of much juiciness!
Being in class can be a great way to challenge ourselves. I know in Twee Merrigan and Shiva Rea’s classes I was beautifully challenged in all ways, and as a result my practice changed and grew heaps. I love their classes and would go every day if I could!
Working with injury is always different too – finding that space where we don’t get a fixed idea of what we can and can’t do and also being mindful of our very real limits on any given day…
I guess as students, it’s our responsibility to check out teachers before we commit to study with them. Just because someone is teaching a yoga class, doesn’t mean they’re a yoga teacher!
Hey Julie!
I hope you don’t mind me responding. 🙂 I really like watching you wiggle around in my classes. You are right on par with the alignment, and I haven’t seen you doing anything unsafe. I also like how you are working with things — as in, giving it a go, and if it’s not right, just backing out. I think it’s really courageous, and — as usual — I’m always learning a lot from my students!
See you soon!
Jenifer
PS. If you don’t want this here, just ask KL to delete it. It’s all good. 😀
Oooh, Jenifer. You rock! Thank you for this response, it made me smile.
I find your classes perfect in length for injury recovery but I will admit that sometimes I am a bit sore afterwards as sometimes I push myself a little bit too much. 🙂 But, I am definitely getting more strength in my left leg so I think (hope) with time it will only get easier and less painful as I get stronger. In fact, I am getting that lovely gym sore everywhere which is great. Your classes are tough despite the 45min slot! 🙂
Have a great week,
Probably see ya next Monday.
Cheers
Julia
Hey KL….I can only echo the sentiments of others, it’s great to have you writing again, I also love the thought-provoking nature of your articles and the debate that follows!!
I would love to do Jenifer’s course as I think sequencing is an art that can be mastered as a teacher but something that is not covered that well in certain training courses, I can vouch for that first hand, it is something that I had to work on and research extensively after I had received my teaching diploma. I knew it hadn’t been that well covered in the course as I had been to some great classes myself that were well sequenced.
I think it is an interesting debate about a minimum teaching standard, something that to some extent has been adopted in the UK by the British Wheel who now come under Sport England as a governing body, again a conflict of interest for many teachers. You also have to have insurance in the UK and through this process your qualifications are checked and verified to meet a certain standard.
Hey Rachel,
I suspect here in NZ we’ll start to see more and more discussion about a minimum teaching standard. Although it’s difficult to determine what makes someone a true teacher – many of the best in the world have no certificates, and many who don’t teach well have lots of certificates…
Rachel,
Do come if you can! We’d love to have you. I seriously *love* this material, and it’s just awesome to get to share it! 😀
In re: standards, as you say, it’s really hard to determine.
oh wait! you are in the UK! I completely forgot. 😀
oh, and my preference is to be self-regulating, rather than having any government standard. it’s why I joined YA in the beginning, and i left it for other reasons altogether (largely, no QA and no due process).
so, i do hope that it rolls out in a more organic way.
jenifer will look up details as we arrive back in nz on 28sept.
self regulation has to be a good way forward, I’m not a member of the British wheel or the uk alliance as I’m not keen on what they represent.
KL I agree one of my favourite teachers has had no formal yoga trainingas suchand his knowledge and wisdom are amazing.
Rachel: Awesome! I hope I get a chance to see you there!
Julie: I’m so glad that you like the classes! I love teaching them, so it’s cool when that happens! 😀 And, it is amazing what a person can do in 45 minutes! I’m glad you’re enjoying it, and I’m glad you feel that your leg is getting stronger!
So glad to see you back KL!! I’ve missed your writing!
This article really spoke to me – I often find myself in a similar situation in Pilates. I think I do waver between judgement and discernment but never having thought about it before I can’t really be sure. I do know that even before I trained as a teacher I knew certain things about my body, and I knew there were things I couldn’t and shouldn’t do. I can remember being frustrated and worried when a teacher would give me a conflicting exercise – as a student I felt I should trust them, but at the same time I was sure I would get hurt (which may have contributed – anxiety and stress certainly don’t help!). As a teacher now, this still comes up but I think I am much better equipped to choose a good instructor and that makes a big difference – I have a lot more trust.
Another thing that’s perhaps a bit of a sideline… I’m going through a patch of hardly ever attending classes at the moment – my 1:1 teacher is away for the summer and I have less free time for classes right now – and I feel I really miss the experience of being taught by someone else. I always get such a boost of inspiration which flows over into my own teaching when I work with someone who is more experienced than me – or just has a different approach. Do you ever find this to be the case? During your break have you missed certain elements of being in a class or working with another teacher?
So, so glad you’re back! Diane x
Hey Diane,
Lovely to hear from you too!
I’ve since been to another yoga class, and the big difference in this class was that I trusted the teacher (Oli Wiles). So even when he sequenced or taught things I was unfamiliar with him, the mind dialogue was gone because I trusted his experience and understanding of body movement. Not so with a brand new teacher I don’t know!
I would love to be working with a teacher every week! But my teacher lives in the USA 🙁