I have a huge confession to make.
I don’t want the responsibility for The Yoga Lunchbox anymore, and I don’t know what to do about this.
Because even though I don’t want responsibility for the website anymore… the website isn’t just about me.
It’s a community website, and it’s taken input from the community to create such an amazing resource for the yoga community.
There’s been all kinds of people who’ve contributed to The Yoga Lunchbox – regular writers like Alys and Jessica, occasional writers like Melissa Billington and Swami Muktidharma, all the yoga teachers who’ve submitted yoga teacher profiles, people who’ve offered free products to giveaway like Peter Fernando and Swami Govindananda, studio owners and teachers who’ve championed the site and loyal readers and subscribers who’ve commented and supported all the way along.
Acknowledging my heart-felt truth felt like I was letting all of these people down.
But I have to say it.
This knowingness has been with me since about January, and I’ve hedged around it in numerous ways trying to find solutions – like bringing on other people to help me publish the website, and creating more spaciousness by publishing less articles.
Neither of these worked though, as the buck always stops with me.
I’m the person receiving the emails from people wanting help with this aspect of their yoga practice, or that aspect of their teaching, wanting me to do this for them, or do that for them. I’m the person dealing with the social media aspects of the websites, the design of the website, the advertising of the website, the everything of the website.
And I don’t want to be responsible for this anymore. There are other projects tugging at my heartstrings. I need to clear my energetic space.
When the website crashed earlier this year, my gut response?
Fuck it, keep it down.
I was totally overwhelmed with the thought of trying to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it. Fortunately for the YLB community, I found a great tech guy who was able to get it sorted for something like $100US – big money for me at the time with little income, and gratefully paid just for someone else to take responsibility.
And yet, when the website was back up, I didn’t take action based on my gut response. Nope, I edged away from that searing truth that I just didn’t want responsibility for The Yoga Lunchbox anymore.
I have toyed with the idea of selling the website, but based on traffic and sold ads, I don’t know how much value the site actually has. Sure, there’s a huge amount of original content worth it’s weight in gold… but that’s not what determines sale prices. Plus once I go… there goes your main producer of said-gold-plated content.
This subconscious fear that something I’ve poured my heart and soul into is essentially worthless in the marketplace has also created a stickiness for me. An unwillingness to acknowledge the truth and trust the process. An unwillingness to truly let go.
As a result of these conflicting feelings, my writing has been less gold-plated and more iron-plated lately. I haven’t felt inspired, nor connected, and after last week’s ill-considered article (rescued by it’s insightful comments), I realised that my unconscious reluctance to embrace the truth of my feelings around the website were beginning to affect my writing for it.
I mean, a key component of my writing has always been authentic, honesty.
I can’t edge away from the truth anymore.
Nor am I going to try and find solutions.
I don’t know what to do.
I see four possibilities, and suspect what happens will be some variation of one or more of these.
- Sell the website, to those who will respect and honour it’s community
- Give the website away, to those who will respect and honour it’s community
- Archive the site but keep it up on the ‘net, kinda like a museum people can still check out.
- Take the website down.
Whatever ends up happening, I’ll be honoring all commitments to advertisers. Beyond that… I’m totally letting go, and being upfront about the fact that I want to be completely free of all responsibility for The Yoga Lunchbox.
I’m inviting you, as The Yoga Lunchbox community to offer your insights, thoughts, comments and feelings. I’m really curious to see what might come up!