by Kara-Leah Grant
One month ago I wrote about creating a new vision to orient The Yoga Lunchbox behind. Normally when I set sail on a course of action like that, things move fast. Normally that vision would be laid out clear by now.
But these are not normal times, at least, not in my world.
Over the last six months I have been on the super-highway to facing reality as it is. At least, that’s what it’s felt like. A perfect storm of people and circumstances have given me ample opportunity to bring to light much of my unconscious patterning.
This is a great gift. And has taken a great deal of time and energy. Most evenings I’ve been hunkered down in my bedroom practicing, reading, contemplating, writing and conversing with friends via technology. Always the focus is presence and seeing truth.
Nothing else matters anymore. And then I get these great spurts of energy where I am motivated and inspired to create. These are the energy waves I ride when I write an article or five, a new book, or launch a new website.
It was one of these waves of energy that coincided with my desire to get clear on The Yoga Lunchbox’s direction.
I got super excited about being a leading light in the New Paradigm that I see manifesting on Earth right now.
I could do this, and this, and this!
Thing is, barely four weeks later, and I’m looking at that KL from a month ago through fresh eyes. Always fresh eyes. Hell, I look at the KL of yesterday through fresh eyes. That’s how fast my world seems to be changing as I dissolve. I keep seeing through myself. Or what I thought was myself.
Now, it feels like that huge spurt of energy around visioning up a way to support the New Paradigm was yet another sleight of hand of Ego, desperately trying to find something to ‘do’ – a role to play, a part to ace, a project to nail.
Albeit through a ‘spiritual lens’. Which can make it all the harder to see that it’s just Ego again, doing what it always does – creating identity.
This feels like the next door for me to unlock. It’s a pattern which has, in many ways, served me super well over the years. I’ve ‘done’ so much off the back of this highly rajas energy, which has been useful and productive and socially acceptable.
But it’s still ego.
It’s still operating from conditioned mind.
It’s still all bullshit.
Yep – I’m calling Bullshit on myself. Something that I suspect I’m going to be doing more, and more, and more often.
Some background history on me that may be relevant.
When I began yoga, it was for the same reason that most people begin. I started to help me feel better physically. This is did – and it also made me feel much better mentally and emotionally. So I dove into the world of Yoga, throwing everything I had at it, because damned if I wasn’t motivated to feel better.
Along the way, I picked up notions of ‘waking up’. That sounded pretty cool! Maybe I could do that! Yep, approaching ‘waking up’ was instantly hijacked by the Ego. Something that’s still happening even now.
In fact, back then, I mistakenly thought I’d already had an experience of ‘waking up’.
I hadn’t though – I’d had a mystical experience, of oneness. And mystical experiences – of which there can be plenty through yoga practice – and waking up are two different things.
In fact, one can be a serious hurdle to the other. It’s all too easy to get caught up in mystical experiences and think you’ve ‘got somewhere’.
I know. I’ve been there. Like, last week. And no doubt, I will get caught down that cul-de-sac again if I’m not vigilant. Because ANYTHING we grasp on to as a way of differentiating ourselves – as a way of creating an identity – is just more ego.
Which loops right back around to why I was keen to vision up a new direction for the website. Yet again, it was me wanting to define myself, define my vision, define my world, create a goal, move toward something, make something happen. (Look how amazing and important I am! I made this happen! Wow, I’m awesome!)
This time, what was different is that I am different. I caught myself in the game. I became aware of this layer of Self.
Which then begs the question:
What would happen if I was to allow myself to simply feel this highly charged, passionate, energetic, let’s make things happen! energy and NOT DO ANYTHING WITH IT?
It’s echoes of stepping away from the Cult of Busyness, which I have more or less managed to do, to a degree. It’s echoes of giving up, which was a deep letting go that happened last year. Yes, I’ve been on this particular cul-de-sac of the adventure for awhile, looping back around and around and around.
It seems I give up, surrender, let go, step back… and then out of that space get this massive rush of energy which I find highly addictive and so I leap on to it and use that energy to create something new.
Dare I say, not this time?
Dare I say, I’m going to explore sitting with this energy?
Dare I say, I’m done with this aspect of Self?
Dare I say, I’m letting go again?
Within the context of a capitalist, consumer, materialist society what I’m doing makes no sense at all. Most people would LOVE to have the huge amount of creative energy I have available to me, and they would ride it all the way to the bank.
Me though, I’m not interested in what I can build and create and make anymore. Not when it comes from that place of super-charged, addictive, high energy. Not when it comes as a way to bolster a false sense of identity.
My experience over the last six months or so has attuned me to a degree where I can feel the falseness of it, even while being sorely tempted by the addictive high of it.
I can’t do down that path anymore.
I have to see what lies down this path.
And so I don’t know what will happen.
It doesn’t matter.
Whether nothing happens, or everything happens, it’s all just a ride.
But promise to take you with me. Hell, you’ve been on this ride with me for eight years now… we may as well keep going!
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