I’m exhilarated, and terrified, all at the same time

Opening up to dreams

by Kara-Leah Grant, Musings from the Mat

Today I claimed my moment, owning what it is I want to do with my life.

I declared to the YLB audience, and all my friends and family on Facebook, that, with their support and help, I was going to publish a book. It was petrifying.

Oh sure, it was also exhilarating and exciting and awesome… but it was also petrifying. Ten minutes after Facebook’ing out the article I’d written, announcing there’s going to be a PledgeMe campaign to raise the $20,000 to publish this book…, I was anxiously hitting refresh to see what response I’d received.

Nothing. Nada. Not even a like. Seemed my bold intention had sailed out there into the universe without making nary a wave.

Omigod. What if I’m wrong? What if no one wants The Best of Yoga Lunchbox book? What if I’ve over-estimated the number of Loyal Lunchboxers out there in the known Universe? What if I’ve totally got all of this wrong?

The groundswell of doubts, and fears, and uncertainty, tipped me off my wave of exhileration and I landed flat on my face. I wanted to run and hide in my closet, huddled down underneath a coat, until it had all passed.

I didn’t though.

I noted the rollarcoaster of emotions within and a lightbulb went off. A-ha! So this is what it feels like to go out on a limb and declare boldly what you truly want to do with this one special life you’ve been given. A-ha! So this is why I’ve been pussy-footing around for so many years, going in circles around the one thing I truly want to do/be – publish a book/writer. A-ha! So this is why people don’t go after their dreams, preferring to keep them at arms length, in their head, as just that – dreams.

Who knew? Being bold. Chasing your dreams. Bringing those dreams into reality. It can generate all kinds of feelings, and many of them not nice.

I’ve got a history of avoiding not-nice feelings, at all costs.

It’s got me into all kinds of trouble.

Including a psych ward.

This way of being, it’s one of those unconscious samskaras that sneaks into your life in childhood, solidifies during the teenage years and out-right rules your life in your twenties. Until you notice that life isn’t quite going according to plan. You start looking closer to see what’s going on, and why you’re not who you thought you were, or where you’d thought you’d be. And you notice that some of the decisions you’ve been making over the years, well, they haven’t exactly served you well. So you wonder, why not?

I see why not now. I feel things, deeply. All kinds of things. Nothing unusual there – most of us human-type of beings feel things deeply, all kinds of things. However, somewhere along the way, feeling those things deeply was too terrifying for me to do… so I learned some coping techniques where I didn’t have to feel those deeply felt things. That coping mechanism is way past it’s expiry date. What might have been useful when I was 7 years old, is no longer useful now I’m 37 years old.

Out with it.

So I’m feeling all the doubts, and fears and uncertainties over taking this bold step and I’m… feeling it.

That’s all. Just a-feelin’.  I’m not buying into the whispered doubts, or the swirling fears, I’m not being sucked into the ‘what ifs’ of the uncertainties.

Maybe I am wrong. And maybe I’m right. Regardless, I’ve taken a huge step to making my dreams come true, and as the responses and feedback come in, I can re-adjust and re-aim and re-calibrate according to what the known Universe has to say.

It’s just a process.

That’s all.

I can handle it.

Dream-chasing – it’s an uncertain business. There will be fear. There will be doubt. But, success or failure, there is also freedom. I can feel it now, in my bones.

How ’bout you, chased any dreams lately? Got any tips?