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You are here: Home / Yoga Articles / Deepening • The Yoga of Life / How Yoga Helped Me / How to learn from the goals we don’t achieve

How to learn from the goals we don’t achieve

September 9, 2010 by Elissa Jordan 4 Comments

Wide child's pose

by guest author Elissa Jordan

Seems I don’t trust myself.

I’ve recently committed myself to a 30-day sadhana or committed practice through 30 days of yoga. And as a result I’ve not gone anywhere near my yoga mat for days. Every morning I wake up and I have a talk with myself about how today is going to be different. Today I’m going to get up early. Today I’m going to respect my commitment. Today I’m going to practice yoga.

And then the excuses start – too tired, too stressed, too comfortable, too full, too hungry. Hot on the heels of excuse is guilt. Then I eat or drink the guilt away. And as I prepare to sleep I have a talk with myself about how tomorrow will be different.

The woman facilitating the sadhana talks about kindness. In all things be kind to yourself.  And although her intentions are to encourage each of us in our personal journey – all I read is ‘You’re not good enough!’

It’s the pressure of the commitment that’s got me knotted up in fear and paralysis. I want to act. I want to get up everyday confident in my commitment to my practice. But it’s when I make these commitments, like I have with the 30-day sadhana, what I learn is just how little I trust in myself.

When I signed up it all seemed so easy. I can do this, I thought. No worries. I already practice most days anyways, what’s the big deal?

The big deal, it turns out, is that normally I practice most days because I want to, because my body wants me to and because I enjoy my life more when I do. But when I make a commitment, when I put hand to heart and commit myself to practice every day all of a sudden I have to practice. It’s not a choice. Yoga starts forcing itself into my everyday, demanding attention and respect, insisting I give my time over to it. And in this slight shift in perception all of a sudden I feel as thought I’m being tested.

How far can I go? How committed am I? Am I good or bad, right or wrong? And it’s given my confidence a right kicking.

Where in the past I would have taken this ‘failure’ and swallowed it, dousing myself with abuse, poking further holes in my self confidence and ignoring completely that I’d ever heard of this commitment I’d made; I have since learned that the quickest way to free myself of this negativity is to share it. There is no shame in failure. Even if I don’t accomplish the goal I set out to achieve, I can still grow and learn.

And I’ve realised that although I may not be practicing physically – I will be spending this time in preparation and practice of just being compassionate with myself. Where I would like to spend 3 hours, it may be that I need to start with five minutes. Where I am drawn to the physical practice, it may be that I need to focus more on meditation. I need to accept where I am today and not force myself to where I want to be tomorrow. And when I think too tired, too stressed but really hear too scared, I’ll give myself a break. Start with some breathing. Inhale, exhale. Bring the practice back to where it all starts and see where it grows from there.

I started writing this post over a week ago. At the time the internal struggle I described above was affecting all parts of my life. I was crying and irrational at home, angry and defensive at work. I was fighting with myself all the time. I sat down and started to write. My first draft was raw. Sitting down to refine the draft a week later I realised that already I was beginning to feel absolved of this heavy burden. And now by going through the process of writing I’m feeling lighter as I’ve finally let myself relax. I may not have been able to build a daily home practice this time around but I’ve definitely learned something about myself and my practice.

Elissa Jordan

Elissa Jordan

When she’s not earning a living as a Digital Marketing Manager with a leading New Zealand charity, Elissa is a belly-dancing, blog-writing, cycle-commuting, vegan-cooking yogi.

She started seriously following a regular yoga practice about three years ago after several start-stop attempts. Never one to give up on something she cares about, yoga and Elissa are now crossing paths on a daily basis.

Elissa is new on the Wellington yoga scene having recently immigrated from Canada by way of London, England. She’s looking forward to the day AcroYoga makes it to New Zealand and has brought with her teaching qualifications from the British School of Yoga, A.M. Yoga and the Sivananda Vedanta Ashram in Neyyar Dam, India.

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Filed Under: How Yoga Helped Me Tagged With: 30 day sadhana, Elissa Jordan, kindness

About Elissa Jordan

Helping to balance out her 9-5 work day, Elissa is a yoga teacher (Healium, 276 Lambton Quay, Mondays 5.30pm, and various gyms), a wine enthusiast and a dark chocolate nut (no reference sourced). Hailing from the wilds of Northern Ontario, she now calls windy Welly home. Her column, Adventures in Teaching, is designed to open a dialogue for new teachers. Voicing questions and answers, doubts and insights, she aims for harmony between action and intention. You can ask her a specific question about teaching here.

Comments

  1. Tash says

    September 9, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    This is exactly what I’ve been going through this winter. I commit to trying to get up early in the morning and do yoga. Before I go to bed, I think to myself ‘I can do this. Once I get going I wont be cold. If I can get out of bed I’ll be able to do this.’ Most mornings, I just go straight back to sleep, keep in the safety of my nice, warm bed. But when I wake up I feel guilty, like I’ve let myself down.
    Good insight! 🙂

    Reply
  2. Elissa says

    September 9, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    Hi Tash – thanks for the sharing. Hoping you’re being kind to yourself and celebrating all the small victories in life 😀

    Reply
  3. Annabel says

    September 10, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Thank you for your article Elissa. I’ve been feeling exactly this way too – for a long time! Especially with trying to keep a consistent Bikram yoga practice, and at the moment I’m trying to get ready for the 108 sun salutes for Global Mala in Dunedin, but I just can’t get myself motivated to actually get on the mat and practice, and I just don’t know how to overcome it!

    Reply
  4. Elissa says

    September 11, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Hey Annabel – I actually did the 108 sun salute experience in London a few years ago. And it’s not as bad as you think it will be. But saying that what really helped was having a friend a long for a laugh and for support. That and allowing myself to rest when I needed to. Good luck in Dunedin – hope it goes well for you :D.

    I’m glad I shared this post as it really helps me to see just how not alone I am when I struggle.

    Reply

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