Guru divorcing!
by columnist Gabrielle Harris, The Suburban Yogini
My freefall descent happened 6 months ago.
It wasn’t gentle zen-like parachute descent, but the type of ungraceful fall where not only was I kicking and screaming, but all the office workers in the building I was sailing by were laughing and poking faces at me. My lesson on non-attachment had publicly arrived.
It happened on my level 3 teacher training.
I had travelled to Australia to be with the teacher I was attached to. He made me believe in myself and my gift of yoga. He made me believe that yoga was my dharma. He helped me do a fall back, and get back up again. The attachment was surgical. I loved him.
So I left my family went to Aussie and did level 3.
The jump off the 100 story building began after my teaching demo when he pulled my psyche apart and culminated with some words I never want to hear again, ‘your are imbalanced, you are not a godess, you will NEVER teach for me’
Harsh, getting dumped by your guru.
As the dumping was happening I heard the familiar roar of the dark cloud of Avidya coming my way and all its ugly monster friends hustling up for a box seat. Avidya loves a good party.
Here is how the unwanted guests showed up.
Tapas: God it’s hot in here. My lululemon is sticking to me too much, no it’s melting, wait that’s my skin melting, I am the singing detective. What’s that smell, I smell burning, smoke, it’s coming from my brain, my brain is about to implode through my third eye. This is most unfortunate.
Asmita: I’m cool, everything’s cool. I’m a yoga teacher and student, I can handle this. I’m cool. Guru not so cool though, slightly deranged, probably the effect of too much mind-altering tea.
Dvesa: OMG I got to get out of this place. I wonder if there are any open-cast mines around that will take me. I’m never going to do a teacher training again. Too scary. Best stay at home in my lovely bubble.
Abhinvesa: What am I doing here? I’m not a yoga teacher. What was I thinking? Guru hates me. Now I hate me. Terrible waste of money.
Raga: I want coffee. I reject all of this vegetarian bean food.
I became hysterical; my anahata chakra was threatening to burst out of my rib cage and to cut it short, I wanted to give up yoga. I wanted to get off this yoga camp so I ran for the hills like Forest Gump and I didn’t stop for months.
Attachment (Raga) is one of the Kleshas of yoga as outlined by Patanjali. A Klesha is a cause of suffering. Raga translates as an attraction or attachment to impermanent things. We are attached to all manner of things, people, animals, possessions, ideas about ourselves and others, fantasises of the future, memories of the past.
We are genetically hardwired to be interested and attached to the outcome of our pursuits. We seek praise for a job well done, we want to win the human race, and we want recognition. We are attached to all manner of objects, shopping being the no.1 pastime. I have one friend who confided in me he wasn’t happy in his relationship. When I asked him why he stayed his reply was ‘because I wouldn’t know what to do with all my stuff.’
This fear-based attachment is common to many people. I need to hang on to something just in case, or I need to buy more just in case. I have even been subject to it. After watching the film Contagion I went out and bought $450 worth of groceries, just in case. Now I have 6 boxes of Weetbix fast approaching their use-by-date.
We are attached to future and past memories. We want to hang on to ideas of the past that were of comfort to us, or the idea that everything will be better when …….(fill in own sentence).
We are attached to our youth or beauty. We want to remain attractive and young. We have affairs. We hang our worth on the way others view us, what car we drive, what job we have. We guard what we want and reject that which causes us fear of pain.
The stronger your emotions or reaction when one of our attachments is threatened then the stronger the attachment and therefore the problem. The more we defend our attachments also is an indicator we have entered into a personal blindspot. Sometimes we are not even aware of the extent of our attachment until the source of it is removed.
My reaction to the Guru dumping was so disproportionate to the event, I knew I had a problem. I have spent all my life carefully maintaining a nice airy Aquarian distance from everyone, just in case, and then whoops one slipped by through the barrier and look what happened.
We only operate from two modes, fear or love. Attachment is fear based. Fear that you will/won’t be/have something unless you have the thing you are attached to. Loving without attachment is freedom.
In The Book of Awakenings Mark Nepo says that you can’t go through the door until you put down what you are carrying. When you untie what binds you then you have the freedom to search new paths and grow.
When we view life as happening for us instead of to us, like I should have done at the grand dumping, I would have realised that there is a reason for everything. And the beautiful thing is this; when I put down what I was carrying I was greeted with a new teacher and a new way of viewing the world.
Six months later my divorce became official. I got to keep my yoga practice, he got to keep his adoring fans. There are times in those last six months where I have rehased every detail of the event, and times when I wanted to reach out and say love me again. Those are the hardest. But my message to you is simple, if you don’t let go you can’t grow. I wish you well with your practice.
Awesome article! Funny and to the point.
thanks Susanne nice to know that you enjoyed it, and someone read it, wow my first comment very exciting!
Beautiful, poignant and funny post – thank you. Letting go sounds so simple, why can it be so difficult sometimes. 🙂
Hi Jo ha! the age old question. I’m not sure why letting go is so difficult. I do know that if you are aware of your attachments, and that they are just that …..attachments, then the process of letting go becomes easier. Is there a particular story you had in mind when you wrote the above? I would be really interested to hear it.
Great article, Gabrielle, thanks for sharing! On a sober note – I have to say that it’s really sad to hear that someone in a teaching role would ever speak to a student in that way…
Hi Peter nice to virtually meet you, hope we can catch up one day to see if we are real. I think the course I was on was loosely based on a Landmark course. Participants are encouraged to stand up and share their truth or revelations about themselves. Some of the things that were shared were quite frankly,…… frightening….. probably better suited to a therapy situation. My guess is these students are on a big high on the course then left to flounder after having had their negative self beliefs reinforced. I suppose the goal of this was to make the trainee more powerful once they realise what there S@@#T was. I think a powerful way to train teachers is to get them to stand in their love not fear. Then when they do take to teaching they can teach from this point, love not fear. This is when the real learning/teaching happens.
Indeed, would be great to meet in person. I wholeheartedly agree re love as opposed to fear. Most of us have enough self-criticism as it is!! I’m always amazed by the power of kind encouragement – both when I give it, and receive it too. There’s always a place for constructive criticism too, but when its done without kindness, it’s much less effective, methinks!
I agree peter… and everyone else for that matter… I recall being kicked off the Iyengar training I think I must have gone thru’ all the above Elizabeth Kubler-Ross grieving processes… now i look back and laugh.. but I gripped my body and when out of sight Howled my eyes out till puffiness made me blind… Oh and ye,, the way its done is parramount…. like everything …. not that its done, but how it was done….Later on down the track one understands why someone of my nature should not be rigidly involved in teaching one style…..To be careful we never kill off our own true nature is indeed an art to cultivate and understand. I loved your story Gabe… thankyou… terimoana
Thank you for your comments it made me think two things, it’s ok to march to the beat of your own drum and be yourself ( relief) and secondly we often think that life events only happen to us …oh why me???… but these things are universal we all share them in some way and others do have the same experiences as us. This helps with the self pity a bit don’t you think? However having said the above I”m STILL not over it completely! But every comment like the above attests to the wonderful nature of us human beings and for that I thank you!
great piece but I do think a naming and shaming is appropriate – esp as quality ttc is thin on the ground. I make this comment more from a buyer beware point of view. I do believe that as a community all us seekers or saddhu’s – well we need to be honest and transparent – this is what krishnamacharya would have wanted. and why are we losing our way? or where? in boundaries broken and expectations unfulfilled but so many have come before us – what would yogananda say? the four corners of the mat changed my life – and this is no small thing, no small confession. for me its everything – from Melbourne to New delhi to rijikesh