Last week I was having a shit of a week.
I could tell it was bad because I kept having these on-going conversations in my head.
I’d be eating dinner, or sitting outside in the sun, or walking down the path… and there would be a party going on in my head.
With my ex-partner, with the people I’m working for, with people I needed to email… whoever, wherever, whenever.
Constant chatter, all of it future-focused, and it was making me feel really stressed.
What the hell was going on?
At first I blamed the circumstances I was experiencing – my ex-partner and I were having difficulties with communication over child access. Our own issues were getting in the way and it was really upsetting.
Many of my internal conversations revolved around what I was going to say to various people to fix this issue. Because we all know that when we fix our external circumstances we create peace, happiness and love, right.
That’s one giant myth that I don’t get sucked into anymore – usually. But there I was, suckified right into it’s ugly depths, doing whatever I could to try and fix an external circumstance to try make me feel better.
Could only mean one thing folks – I was back living in my head.
My mind had surriptiously wrestled perceptive control of my life away from my heart.
God dang it, how the hell did that happen?
Oh I knew… it happened the way it always happened.
It happened because I was running away from a feeling or two. The second I don’t feel what arises in the moment, I take a step out of the heart and toward the mind. If a day or two goes past and I still haven’t felt that feeling, I’m mostly back in my head.
And if more than two days goes past without feeling the feelings… I’m bang smack right back in the middle of a headtrip.
Which feels bloody awful. Now I know what it’s like to be fully present, when I’me not, the constant mind chatter is nasty stuff.
I could sense I was missing out on the joy and peace of simply being, but I was trapped in thinking that fixing the circumstances would fix the chatter.
What to do, what to do?
I know what to do.
What better way to stop, still and drop into the present moment and allow whatever feelings are there to arise?
To the mat.
I needed to give myself space to stop still and access whatever needed to be expressed.
So I settled myself down on the floor and flowed through a gentle heart-opening practice that involved buckets of tears. Not oceans, like once upon a time, just buckets.
And then later, after lunch, I felt more tears a’calling so huddled on the couch and cried and cried and cried and cried.
Almost lost it at this point I must admit.
The tears got to that point of overwhelm where I was getting desperate for comfort, the moment of Call a Friend, or Ask the Audience. Only there was no audience and I knew that getting comfort from a friend would just delay the inevitable. I needed to just have the guts to fully feel what was there.
What was there was mostly grief over lost love. It might have been three months since I left my partner, but with a toddler in tow, those months have been mostly survival focused.
As a result I hadn’t realised how much grief still needed to be expressed.
Sure our relationship was mega-tough, there were addictions and co-dependency, but there was also a huge amount of love and connection on both sides. I may not be able to live in that relationship anymore, but it hurts my heart to let go.
So I cried some more. And then again, later on that evening after a lovely energy reading from a dear friend, I went to bed and cried some more. May even have cried the next morning when I got up.
But you know what?
After all that crying, the conversations in my head began to quiet down again.
Oh, they were still there to a degree, but the party was no longer shouting through a megaphone, now it was just a few stragglers huddled in a corner looking my way every now and then.
What a relief.
As the tears flowed out, so too did all the stress and worry about dealing with communication and child access.
I found myself back in my heart and able to trust in the process of life, and about to trust in my ex-partner. Even though I never shared any of my process with him, our communication eased up and things were moving again.
Two days later, I was back living in the Land of Now, and it sure is nice to be Home.
Hard to believe I once spent years living in my head. Back then, I didn’t even know I was lost, nor did I know how to get back to where I couldn’t remember Being.
Now, thankfully, I can tell when I’ve lost my way. Might take a day or two to clue in, but as soon as I do, I’ve got the tools I need to find my way back – I just get on the mat, and face whatever emotion needs to be expressed.
So if you’re starting to notice a lot of mind chatter, conversations in your head, frantic future-creation or past-rehashifying… ask yourself, what is it that I need to feel? What do I need to acknowledge?
Get on your mat.
And just give yourself space to be with whatever arises.
PS. Make sure the tissues are handy.