WIN a copy of Kara-Leah’s new book ‘Field Notes from Kundalini Awakening’, publishing in 2018. Guaranteed to take you on an intimate journey into the depths of the Kundalini experience. Click here to sign up for the book launch list and go into the draw to win one of THREE print copies.
By Kara-Leah Grant
My third eye has been twitching all afternoon, a sensation which started during my recent trip to LA for teacher training with Shiva Rea.
The last time I can remember it doing this I was sitting in a Wellington restaurant with my Aunt, who’s a straight-up, salt of the earth, farmer and local government politician turned Minister of Parliament.
I’d just flown back from Canada, about a week after having two psychotic episodes, being committed to the Acute Psych Ward of Lions Gate Hospital, and getting diagnosed as bi-polar and put on medication.
As I listened to my well-meaning, supportive and loving Aunt tell me it was time to forget all about that Tarot Card rubbish and that I’d need to be on medication for the rest of my life as I was now Mentally Ill… I was tuning into this sensation of my third eye opening and closing. And wondering what she’d say if I told her what I could feel – probably that I was crazy.
Which I was, right? Didn’t the psychotic episodes prove that?
Only I wasn’t.
I’d had a Kundalini Awakening.
Something which had ripped through my psyche with all the force of a lightening strike, blowing out the fuses and stripping bare my unresolved mental and emotional issues, of which there were many.
I’d experienced Samadhi, I’d had visions of my life to come, and visions of the future of the Earth, I’d experienced things which were “impossible” under the laws of the material world as we generally accept them, and I’d had access to all the knowledge of the Universe.
I’d also experienced involuntary asana and prostrations plus had the added bonus of speaking in a hissing voice, mainly in an ancient-sounding language that my fiance suspected was Egyptian.
It’s no wonder that after five or so days of increasingly bizarre behvaiour from me that he’d borrowed a car quick smart, hightailed it down to Vancouver and deposited me at the psych ward. Nor was it any surprise that he broke up with me shortly thereafter. Must have been quite a trip watching me drivel on about the secrets of the Universe before breaking out in a hissing voice that spoke ancient Egyptian. I wish he’d had the foresight to videotape it as my memory of that time is patchy, and it would be fascinating to watch now.
Coming home was horrible on so many levels.
I was heartbroken, betrayed, financially bereft, plus after experiencing Samadhi, it was a shit-awful come-down to wake up and just feel… normal again. Normal but broken. And crazy. And also very aware of how very messed up I was.
To top it all off, I couldn’t even talk to anyone about what had happened – that I suspected it was some kind of spiritual experience – because they would have thought I was crazy.
Nope, safer to just pretend I was mentally ill and lay low until I figured it all out.
One of the ways I sought to deal with this strange new reality was writing a blog called Be Conscious Now. Writing has always been a way for me to process things, to get them out of my head and make sense of what was truly going on for me. Doing it on a blog felt anonymous and safe. Other like-minded folk (the kind of people I struggled to meet in small-town NZ) found my blog and I joined a cyber-space collective of folk that made me feel not crazy.
Of course, local people did read my blog, and thought I was crazy. So over time, as memories and the feeling-sense of that awakening faded, I began to see what happened to me as mostly an emotional and mental crisis,safely cocooned within a psychological framework. You know – avoidance of emotional pain fractures psyche-type thing.
I “forgot” what it felt like to be in a magical, sacred space, to work with energy, to align with Divine Consciousness, to feel the flow of life when you surrender to All that Is. I’d even begun to discount the concept of Kundalini Awakening. After all, who the hell who I to have some kind of awakening? I must have been mistaken.
Then I went to LA and met Chris Tompkins. Or rather, listened to his explanations of awakening during our Tantra lectures, and did the practices of a Tantra Initiate. And it all came flooding back.
I again stepped sideways into that magical, sacred space that exists alongside our material reality – only this time I was grounded, and had dealt with much of my unconscious crap so it didn’t rise up as bizarre thoughts and behaviour to ensnare me in insanity again. I could feel the flow, feel the energy, and I felt aligned with Divine Consciousness.
Most of all, it felt like coming home. The cycle that began in August 2004 finally came to fruition as all that I had seen and absorbed and understood during that first awakening was confirmed.
I wasn’t crazy.
It was an awakening.
And now I can consciously work with it.
My entire time in LA, I was in that flow of magical consciousness. I could feel who to talk to, where to go, what to say, what not to say. I felt guided, and supported, and infused with light. It was effortless.
Ah… but then I came home, again, to New Zealand. And had to face an important test. I arrived in Auckland, called my partner, and within ten minutes of our phone call came thunking back down to Earth with an almighty whack. I literally sat down on the ground in some green space in between the international and domestic terminals and looked at my phone in bewilderment and thought:
What the hell just happened?
Indeed.
It’s since been a trying time. But I knew exactly what was required of me, and I held fast to that course of action.
Keep an open heart, and speak my truth with compassion and love.
That was my test. And it’s been hard. So many times I’ve wanted to close up, reject, walk away, see my partner as “The Other”, or “Wrong” and in some minutes and some hours I have done that.
It’s felt awful. I feel the world close up around me, get heavy and dark and closed off. I know the course of action required is to open up again, to accept and love and stay true and hold my boundaries.
So I have. And our relationship has grown and shifted and changed and grounded as a result.
And this afternoon, I find myself in that magical space again, feeling the world around me as luminous and open and spacious and expansive.
The third eye, she’s a twitching alright.
Before I went to LA, there was a tiny bit of me scared about what might happen. I knew all that yoga and exposure to Shakti could trigger my Kundalini again. What if it also triggered insanity again? Was I grounded enough to cope with higher frequencies of energy moving through my system?
My last night in Auckland, after my unplanned two day stopover there to sort out my visa issue, cleared up any doubts I had. It also made me realise that that two-day delay was Divine Timing alright. I’d had an interesting two days, being forced to step in a space of complete surrender and acceptance of my situation. I’d also had some strong synchonicities and dealt with some unresolved issues from my time in Auckland in 1995/6.
An incident in a bar where I was directly confronted by an older, powerful man because he believed I’d insulted him confirmed to me that I was ready to step into my power from a place of love, compassion and understanding.
Falling asleep that last night, a time when I consciously meditate my way into dreamtime and open to whatever visions there may be, I saw a visual of the root chakra opening from the very centre like a door. All fears of not being grounded enough melted away. I was ready to go to LA, and finish the opening process that began in Whistler, Canada.
But with all finishing, come new beginnings. Acceptance and understanding of the experiences I’ve had is one thing. Being able to integrate these experiences into daily life is another thing completely.
There have been relationship challenges, which showed me quick smart that the second I close my heart, I lose touch with Divine Consciousness (or whatever you want to call it).
There has been my tendency to live in my head, exacerbated at times by all the time I spend on the computer. Can’t feel the flow when you’re in your head!
And then there’s been just all the ins and outs of dealing with daily life in 2010. Earning money, paying bills, looking after children, cleaning house, minding pets… it’s so much easy to stay open and present when the only thing you’re doing is attending Yoga classes! And it’s so easy to get sucked back down into daily drama!
I feel like I’ve been shown a different way to live though, and my challenge is to keep coming back to total presence. Daily morning Tantra meditation grounds me in this state, asana practice helps me move through whatever needs to go, just stopping to breathe helps to connect me to the moment.
Truly listening while talking to people makes a huge difference. Maybe the biggest difference of all. When I can truly listen, it amazes me how much information is available in that moment. Far more than just the words coming out of people’s mouths. Truly listening drops me into that magical space almost faster than anything else.
So does this all mean I’m now “awakened”?
Nope. Not yet anyway 😉
But I do have an awareness of what it’s like to be enlightened. I’m beginning to suspect it’s not necessarily like switching a light flick – bang you’re awake! – and then that’s it, easy street as you cruise through life all blissed out. Nope, I reckon, like anything, it takes practice. You gotta learn how to do it, and you gotta catch yourself when you start to slip down into the darkness of daily drama again.
It’s like the difference between being awake and falling asleep but thinking you’re still awake. (Awakened… funny that). The difference between being an actor on stage playing a character, and forgetting that you’re actually an actor and believing you’re the character.
It amazes me how often I’m still not present. I’ll be home alone and suddenly notice that I’m doing everything really fast, as if I’m on a deadline or trying to get somewhere. But there’s nothing planned for the day and I’m my own boss. it’s like watching a character on a sitcom, speed cleaning, and you just know she’s avoiding something.
Or when I suddenly notice that even though I’m hungry, I’m avoiding food. I’m resisting the act of stopping to tune in and discover what I need to eat. That’s always a big tell tale sign – it usually means there’s some kind of emotion I’m avoiding feeling. I’m not in my body, because I don’t want to feel.
There’s also a subtle resistance I’ve noticed arising to life itself. An undertow of lethargy, a greying of my day where nothing gets me excited and I just want to hide away. Also a sign there’s emotion that needs to be felt.
I’m so grateful that I’m now able to sense these changes in my internal self. And do something about it. Like practice asana, meditation or pranayama. Or cook a meal. Or water the garden, play with the baby, feed the cat. Whatever it takes to bring me into a place of acceptance and gratitude.
Invariably, one or more of these acts will trigger some kind of insight, or flow of emotion. There’ll be an ‘a-ha’ moment, some tears, and understanding, a letting go and then BANG!
I’m present again.
Until the next time I go into avoidance behaviour.
I feel like I’m learning how to be human in a way that no one ever taught us at school.
And in the middle of all of this, I’m feeling Kundalini dancing in my spine, leading me through asana, showing me mudra, moving my meditations. In the time since I first noticed her presence, she’s danced her way from my tailbone to my neck. Now she’s venturing into the back of my skull. Sometime’s she even sings to me – or maybe she’s seduced me into singing to her. A soft, bee’s hum of the Sanskrit vowel that looks like M with a dot above it, and sounds like NG.
Where this will all go, who knows?
What does it mean to feel your third eye twitch? No idea – maybe I’m beginning to see clearly, or maybe I aren’t seeing clearly at all?
It doesn’t really matter.
I just wanted to share a story with you. Stand on my soapbox for a moment and say, ‘Yep, I feel Kundalini as a living force within me and you know what, I’m not crazy.’
I’ve said it now. Took me 2187 words, so if you stuck around this long, you rock. As for me, I’m going to go and meditate. Sit still really, and just let kundalini do her thing. Surrender to life you might say. It’s taken me a loooooooooooooooooooooooong time to feel safe enough to do that – surrender.
And whaddya know, a third eye twitchin’ just as I wrote that down.
Hmmm… more to muse on, and I’m off to my mat to do that.
Stay tuned.
WIN a copy of Kara-Leah’s new book ‘Field Notes from Kundalini Awakening’, publishing in 2018. Guaranteed to take you on an intimate journey into the depths of the Kundalini experience. Click here to sign up for the book launch list and go into the draw to win one of THREE print copies.
Marianne says
Not crazy at all. Beautiful, honest, alive and awake.
So grateful to have you as a friend and companion on this journey.
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Marianne,
It sure is a fascinating journey! Stoked to have you along for the ride too 🙂
KLx
hannah diaz says
can I talk to you I do not have my own profile on here wow your story is wildly intriguing I feel Ive had my own process of awakening since I was 13 but my samahdi hit almost one year ago, and now kundalini my head feels in a rush every day kara leah you are a very strong woman.
Jan says
So honest and brave. Love to read your posts, even to the end of them!
jude says
KL
I’m just reading Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” and it’s fabulous. There are two really nice sayings that he has which relate to your story – “Awareness is the power that is concealed within the present moment” and “The past has no power to stop you from being present”. You might have read it already but if not, put it on your list. It’s full of gems!
jude
Annabel says
Thank you for sharing your story Kara-Leah. Your articles always seem to come along just when I need them. Thank you for the inspiration.
Annabel 🙂
Premratna says
Inspiring (as always). It reminds me in a way of seeing Gangaji last night – allow yourself to open up and be willing to die (to the moment), stop the fight and let the fear be here. Accept emotion without knowing what it is or definiting what it should or shouldn’t be, or what should or shouldn’t happen. (Paraphrased from my notes.)
Her book ‘The Diamond in your Pocket’ is amazing; inspiring in a way not unlike ‘A New Earth’. (Gangaji’s doing workshops in Auckland at the moment, Christchurch next week. They’re selling her book at the events for $25 too – heaps cheaper than the bookstore. I’m not intentionally trying to promote her though!)
Kara-Leah Grant says
@ Jan & Annabel, Thank you & my pleasure!
@ Jude, I love that book… and the quotes are beautiful. There is SO much power in the present moment. Might be time to reread it.
@ Premratna, Great to get some feedback on Gangaji’s workshops. She certainly sounds amazing in her interview and online. Let the fear be here huh? That takes courage.
Many blessings,
KL
Bron says
Wow KL, that was so real, honest & brave. That really stirred up some emotions…I would really like to talk to you about your experience and the flow-on. Bron
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Bron,
Would love to chat – will send you an email.
Blessings,
KL
jenifer parker says
Philosopher Ken Wilber (one of my favorites) calls these “One Tastes”–we all taste the awakened state off and on. it’s now a question of reaching and maintaining it. but those tastes also keep us going.
it’s a pretty sweet deal, actually. i don’t mind it so much. i find i get a ‘taste’ when i most need it, to remind me of what i am, what i’m capable of.
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Jenifer,
Great description from the master himself. I guess sinking into present moment, over and over again helps us to link those tastes together into one long buffet 🙂
Blessings,
KL
Laurie says
At a loss for words. My experience has been a similar one. I am still afraid but feel so powerful a pull to reclaim my spiritual journey. Would very much appreciate a private conversation with you for sanity’s sake, guidance and release. I am pretty freaked after reading through your story…are you able to email me?…I am hopeful that you might be in a position to help me clarify a few things about what I have experienced since October 2000. I am in a much better place and feel ready to let it all in again but I was burned pretty bad the first time around and I could use a confirming reality check from someone who I can absolutely see will understand the things I need to share and could use a little affirmation and reassurance in regards to where I go from here or not? I sincerely hope to hear from you. I am so grateful for your words….I am so thankful to feel so much less alone than I have in nearly 11years when it all went haywire…hospitals, lithium, an oppressive abuser and loss are all parts of my story. I have been searching…cautiously putting myself out there seeking others who will understand me when I talk about certain experiences but until finding your story…I could not figure out what I was looking for. Thank you so much for filling in some key blanks for me…I will be utilizing every recommended resource you give. A gift like none other has been given to me this evening in the peace, sadness, joy, confirmation, sense of vindication just to name a few of the mass of emotions swirling about inside in this moment, in the happening upon of your articles. I am humbly grateful to you for sharing.
Sincerely and with Warmest Regards
Laurie
Sullivan says
Hey Kara-Leah,
It was amazing to read your experience. This reminded me of a book I read on Kundalini. It seems its one of the great books ever written on this topic. If you get a change please read it.
One of my sincere suggestion will be of an enlightened master fortunately still alive among us. The reason being once you are enlightend you cannot stay in your body unless you are in the path of Kriya yoga and know to use your energies. This master has been living his 3 life times as an enlightened being and has decided to take this body only to complete his vision. As i mentioned once you are enlightened your body would not be able to sustain and hence would leave this body and would not wish to come back or reborn again. But since he had to fullfill his masters dream he is back and we are one of the fortunate ones to have him in our life time. You can check his videos your self of youtube. He has answers to all your questions. His name is Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev. He has written many books where you can find all the answers you are looking for. He did not read any scriptures or philosophies but gained all the knowledge through his own experiences and he also detests any religious rituals or philosopies.
After reading through your experiences, it seems that your Kundalini is starting to awaken, but seems like your body, mind and energies are not in balance hence you are having this odd experiences. But you are one of the very few fortunate ones to have such and experience. If you would like to attain complete enlightenment, i would suggest you to look at Sadhgurus videos and check out what he has to offer.
God Bless you.
Sullivan
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Sullivan,
Thank you for your comment, and all the information. I shall investigate Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev further.
Sullivan says
Sorry Kara-Leah,
I was in a hurry to earlier to post the message that i forgot to paste the name of the book. It is actually written by Gopi Krishna who happened to have an “accidental” Kundalini awakening with out proper preparation. Its his autobiography on the problems he went through those days of awakening.
Kundalini: The Evolutionary Energy in Man
Gopi Krishna
I will check back to hear you thoughts.
Thanks,
-Sullivan
Kara-Leah Grant says
Ah yes! Gopi Krishna. I did read his book years ago when things were first starting to move around on the inside… fascinating!
Bryaan says
That sensation is cramping of your Corrugator Supercilia muscle. Probably.a result of malnouroshment..maybe a result of amphetamine or other stimulant binge.
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Bryaan,
Great info. Thank you.
I looked up the Corrugator Supercilia muscle, as I wasn’t familiar with it. However, the placement of this muscle on the face doesn’t correspond to the placement on my forehead of the twitching sensation. This suggests it’s unlikely to be this muscle – although not impossible. Perhaps the twitching of the muscle was being felt in a place that doesn’t exactly correspond to it’s placement.
Second, I’ve never binged on amphetamine or any other stimulant. In fact, prior to this particular incident, I’d been completely clean for a number of months. That rules out that possibility.
And I’m well-fed.
Sheigh says
Hi Kara-Leah,
Are you still keeping up with this blog, or at least this articles comments? I guess I coulda just put “test” and got the same info lol
Anyways I hope so! You have been the first person to describe their awakening in a way that almost mirrored mine. So much so that I had to read it to my husband ( the one that took me to the hospital for a 5150checkup after 18 hours of my phycosis- and still has to hear me talk about everything Egypt) see the similarities lol ?
Well hopefully I’ll get some response from you so I’ll know how to catch up on and follow your journey.
Tysm for all the positive vibes I got out of reading your words today, it made my third eye start twitching again… – finally!
-Sheigh
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Sheigh,
Yes, this website is still publishing articles, and I still follow all the comment threads. It’s like stepping back in time sometimes 😉
Rohan Verma says
I am 25 years of age as off today, truly not gone through what “we” call life experience…have had a series of bad patches of childhood, hardships with parents still having them…when i was 22, i did go to the counsellors and i too was prescribed with pills that put me to sleep and handled my depression…I had just finished graduation in 2011 and landed myself on a path which started to mess with my emotions and stop myself from being me, the cause was a relationship, which i looked into and gave too much time that i shouldnt have…i became emotionally weak and i would burst out cryin during movies, even TV advertisements for god sakes…
Strange things like, when an ambulance went by, i dunno when i got this habbit (still have), of looking at it, and saying God bless you…feeling pity pain and empathy towards the weaker section of the society, or for the crippled or for the poor…a strong urge of doing something about it…
I just feel highly supreme in my head and heart, a feeling of content and high confidence in my mind grips me and i always feel like im God’s special child, and harmless when exposed to negativity or evil eye etc…
I dunt even know where im heading and what im expecting out of you….
But all i wanna say is i have read your posts a few of them, and i really find them all very helpful and can relate to some instances very closely, bringing me to tears…and makin my heart feel really heavy…
Thanks once again…
God bless…
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Rohan,
Building emotional resilience and strength has been the key for me as I’ve put myself back together after psychosis, and I could’t have done it without the support of family, friends and where necessary medical professionals. And of course my yoga practice. No matter what it is we’re experiencing, being grounded & clear is of utmost important, and getting honest feedback from people around us about our emotional and mental state. I hope you’ve got some good people around you who can support you through the experiences you’re having right now. Make sure you reach out & connect to them as best you can.
Many blessings,
Kara-Leah
Eline says
Hi Kara-Leah! Thank you so much for writing about your experiences in such a down to earth way, it’s really relieving, considering I’ve been prodding about the internet for information about this only to have my panic reinforced by a lot of the stuff that’s being written. I’m freaking out slightly about what is going on in my body and what might happen if I let this energy do what it wants. I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of questions over email?
Eline
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Eline,
You’re welcome to send me an email (use the contact form on the website, it goes direct to me) however I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to give you any answers.
Many blessings,
Kara-Leah
Rashi says
Hey kara Leah….so happy to find you. ..I need to talk to you.. …i don’t know how but somehow a few months back I developed this wish of awakening my kundalini even after knowing the side effects. I have been meditating for a couple of years. And suddenly my experience during meditation changed and become stronger day by day. Than one day I had an OBE. That was very frieghtining…..after that fear took over me and I wished to stop all this. I felt very very empathic towards people who face terrorism. In fact I felt their pain which disturbed me to the core. I had bizzare fear of unseen beings. I prayed my kundalini to stop. And it all stopped. But now I again want it. But I don’t know what to do…please help
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Rashi,
I’m sorry but I can’t give out any kind of individual support or advice via comments. If you want to book a one-on-one session, you can get in touch with me via this contact page.
Many blessings,
Kara-Leah
Mau says
Thank you so much for writing this series of articles, Kara-Leah! My kundalini awoke 6 weeks ago, and I’ve really been enjoying every minute of it and joyfully changing my life around (ohhh and it’s changed around for sure in just 6 weeks!)
It’s always nice to find other people having a loving relationship with their kundalini (even if maybe not at first), because the internet is full of fear material around this topic.
It’s very weird to me because my experience hasn’t been one bit negative, but I’m a person that’s very open to change and to follow intuition and any cosmic things that show up, so maybe that’s why my experience has been great =)
But I definitely know what you’re talking about when you talk of coming back to the real world and sinking back into reality. It’s happened a few times when I get back to the city (I usually live at the beach, in a quite chill, isolated lifestyle being in much more contact with nature than with people). And it is definitely my daily practice which plugs me back in =)
Anyway, I didn’t want to leave without acknowledging how refreshing your articles are. Thank you so much for sharing! Namaste.
Kaitlyn says
I just wanted to thank you and show appreciation for sharing your thoughts and experiences. The majority of my past is deeply repressed. I’m 24 and over the past few years I’ve been trying to work myself through it the best I can. I’ve always felt like I was floating and stuck in my own head.. I now know I’m very much ungrounded. I started medication for bipolar depression because I have not been able to maintain stability on my own. After all of this, I felt drawn to learn more about spiritual energy and healing. I don’t know much yet and even if I’ve experienced bits of awakening along the way, I can feel that there is still quite a journey ahead of me. The reason I’ve loved your writing so much is that it has provided a source of comfort. There’s something deep inside of me that knows psychiatry and medication isn’t the permanent solution for me.. that I have more to learn and experience within myself. My logical mind doubts that at times and it can be discouraging. Reading your posts have helped shine a positive light on my struggles.
Thanks again 🙂
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Kaitlyn,
Thank you so much for your message – it gave me goosebumps reading it. This is why I write what I do… for people like you. You inspire me to keep writing and sharing my journey, providing one example of a pathway to holistic mental health that can include psychiatry and medication but only as support for the longer journey toward wellness.
You may be interested in checking out The Shift Community which is all about mastering the journey of our soul’s awakening.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheShiftCommunity/
We’ve just launched it, and it’s a way of bringing women together who want to better understand what it means to wake up and be fully embodied.
Ank Arya says
I am getting a similar experience that also includes the twitching of third eyes or exactly the same location at times.
I was just searching the reasons on Google and reached here.
Thanks for posting this article.
Betty Pearl says
Kara, thanks for sharing your story. It gives me hope to see how, from later articles, you seem to have come through the most difficult stages. I am about 8 months into my kundalini awakening, and I feel sometimes like I’m going mad. I don’t know what to do right now. I’ve sold my apartment and given up work and I am on a huge roller coaster ride of old trauma coming up. At the same time I’m in a relationship with someone who mirrors a lot of stuff that my dad used to do and I almost can’t handle it. I try grounding and talking to people, but no-one really gets it. Is it your experience that releasing past trauma through kundalini awakening also then results in ‘natural’ changes in beliefs and behaviours? My behaviours and beliefs have all been shaped by my childhood trauma, and though I can feel it slowly releasing I still seem to be in the grip of my old behaviours and beliefs. Thanks.
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Betty,
It does indeed feel like I’ve come through the most difficult stages, and I have cleared a lot of old trauma which has changed my beliefs and behaviours. It’s a powerful process. And yes, it is my experience that as we release old trauma, there are natural changes in beliefs and behaviours. I can also recommend working with a colleague of mine, Ben Ralston. He does very effective and powerful work with trauma. (I’ve done a number of sessions with him plus we co-facilitate retreats together.)