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Jenifer says
In Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, he has this phrase: parenting is my monastery. It’s useful.
Single parent or double, kids are masters of finding our veneers, pushing our buttons, and finding any boundary that is unguarded to wander right through.
I lose my mind at times, too.
One of my mentors, Mary Willow (plumparentsupport.com — she’s in NZ!), once said that anything that I did that was mean was to go “straight to compost!” and start again. I also learned to apologize — I do it a lot. And my son, because of this, apologizes to me and to others readily and easily, as soon as a person asserts that they were hurt by his actions. That patterning has been very helpful for both of us.
And meditation jars — I love these things. Some people call them time-out jars, others calm-down, but we use them for meditation. And when I’m all stirred up, I say to Hawk “will you get me my meditation jar? I’m all stirred up!
It’s a jar of water, glitter glue, and glitter. Mine is the color of the water around New Zealand. Anyway, by saying “I need a moment here” — it’s also become his pattern. He’ll grab his jar and swirl it around and watch it settle, and then everyone is calm and happy again.
Anyway, I found these have helped me a lot in the last 3 months when things have been madness.
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Jenifer,
That’s some really solid advice – thank you. I love the idea of the Meditation Jar! Beautiful!
Thank you!
Jenifer says
Meditation jars are a fun project for both of you. H. loved making his — picking out the glitter and the glitter glue. His is a bit muddy (orange and blue), but it’s pretty. Ryan hasn’t made his yet, so we mostly use mine.
During meditation time, he need only sit with us for one swirl (2.5 minutes — more glue makes a slower timer), but sometimes he stays for two. And it’s a great way to get yourself into it, too, if the mind is feeling nuts.
On bad days, I carry that thing around with me like a security blanket. LOL
Carol Horton says
Many blessings to you for your determination to take care of your child and honesty about just how hard that really is. You are in the trenches now with an under-5, but it will get easier! And you will look back and know that all this struggle was well worth it because you laid the foundation for a life-long positive relationship with your son, as well as a healthy, positive sense of self for him. We don’t have to be perfect parents, only “good enough.” I am in awe of the work that dedicated single parents do; it is difficult enough with a supportive partner! Wishing you and your son all the best in 2014 and beyond.
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Carol,
There’s too much written about the lovely side of parenthood and not always a lot about the difficult stuff… And yes, it’s definitely been getting easier in the last year. I reckon 2.5 to 3.5 years was the hardest. Thank you for the heart-felt message of support. Much appreciated.
Ben Ralston says
You’re awesome, doing a great job with him I bet. Even what you consider mistakes, or over reactions or whatever – he’ll understand, because you’re open and present with him.
I really believe that a moment of presence with our kids just undoes a lot of the cock-ups. As someone above said about apologizing – it’s all about acknowledging what is. And when we acknowledge or apologize or whatever – that’s a huge lesson that we teach our child – about humility, honesty, being real. We tend not to realize or even notice that we did it. But we did… you did.
He looks like a beautiful, aware, very alive, sweet, senstitive boy. So yeah, I bet he challenges you big time. But if he didn’t then you’d really have cause for alarm 🙂
Big love from Europe KLG!
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Ben,
Lovely to hear from you as always… And yes, he’s all that you say… incredible and challenging! I never knew how much our children would challenge us! I’m learning to lean into it though, and see it the way I would any other relationship – an opportunity for growth amidst the delight and the terror.
Big love from NZ!
A says
Since you seem absolutely determined to use the whole world as a dumping ground, or as a mirror perhaps, I feel compelled to point out that every time you publish some juicy tidbit about your son, father, partner, ex-partners, mother, friend (and specially your son) you are committing an act of extreme violence. Theese people have no right of reply, and even if they did, would probably not use it. What do they feel and do they not have a right to keep their feelings private, to answer for their actions without fear of humilation? What you seem to be acting out over and over is a form of castration. You seem determined to wield power of eventual public excoriation over every male in your life. You seem blissfully unaware of the damage you wreck around you, totally oblivious to any pain but your own, always pain. Honour your pain, pain is healing, please leave your son out of it, you are hurting him. I hurt everytime. One day (soon) he will read this blog, and your story is not his story, let him write his own story. His (creative force) is not yours. Question, will you publish this? Make the decision and then ask yourself what it sayes about you as a person. Ask yourself. (no, not the snake oil salesman from europe, not the bloggers, not the readers hanging on for the next juicy morsel, not even your mum, ask yourself. And no, I dont want to know. I do not want to know you, but I do like to read about yoga. I wont be coming back here to allow myself to be used as a mirror against my will., I do not want to reflect your anger into my life) OM
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey A,
Thank you for you comment. I read through a few times, as always, to get clear on what you were saying. A few points.
This column, Musings from the Mat, is my personal blog about life lived through a perspective of someone who practices yoga pretty much daily. That yoga spills off the mat and into daily life – it’s about bringing awareness to the ups & downs of living. If you don’t want to know me, I would suggest skipping all articles from Musings from the Mat, it says clearly at the top of each article the column its from.
You’re right – it is a very difficult thing to write such intimate and personal articles when other people invariably are involved on ones life. It’s a delicate balance and one I probably don’t always get right. I think hard and long about what aspects of my life I write about and what aspects I don’t.
When I write an in-depth article about a relationship with another person – like the one I wrote earlier in the year about my relationship with Mike a decade ago – I usually email the article through to them, as I did in this case. I ask them to read it, give me feedback, suggest changes and check in to see if they want me to change their name.
I even did this for the article I wrote about the end of my relationship with my son’s father, which I published about two months after we broke up. He read it, and gave me permission to publish. The aspects of our relationship I mention in this article are nothing new – they’ve all been mentioned before in articles he saw. As for articles about my most recent relationship, Leighton also gave me explicit permission to publish.
The situation is more difficult with my son as he’s not old enough to read – yet – or give permission. However, this article was mostly about the ins & outs of parenting – my story. It doesn’t reveal much about my son beyond that he’s like other four year olds – difficult and challenging at times, and very precious.
As for the “snake oil salesman from Europe”… it took me awhile to figure out what on earth you were talking about there! I’m sure Ben will have a good giggle over that moniker.
Thank you for the reminder that I take seriously the role that other people play in the stories I tell about my life. Yes, they have feelings, and yes they have their own stories to tell. I’ll keep running articles past those I write in-depth about to make sure they’re ok with it.
Jenifer says
That’s right, he’s 4! Oh, the joys of the 4 yr old testosterone surge! If he hasn’t hit it yet, it’s going to be a fun one. If he has, goodness me, I know that situation!
It’ll settle in about 6-8 weeks after it starts, and they’ll be another one just before 5th birthday, and apparently the next big one doesn’t drop until age 8 or something. Then next is puberty.
Yes, do make that meditation jar.
Jessie says
Thank you for writing such a honest article. I am not a single parent but am a mother of a 1year old who, although I adore, has rocked my word more then I could have imagined. I found motherhood very hard and only now seem to be finding my groove. Yoga has been my godsend and I want to immerse my world into all aspects of it and hopefully teach my bubba as much as I learn. I struggle now finding time to learn more or to get to classes and it gets so frustrating but it won’t be forever and I can learn alot myself and take any opportunities that arise.
Thanks for showing a raw side of parenthood most of us go through but no one talks about xx
Kara-Leah Grant says
My pleasure Jessie. I’m glad the article was of value to you. Yoga was my godsend too… on my mat every single day in some way, shape or form.