I’m only woman when there should be man as well

This entry is part 1 of 8 in the series Men, Relationships, Lust, Desire & Obsession
See all articles in the Men, Relationships, Lust, Desire & Obsession series here.

Single parents are superheroes

Single parents are superheroes

By Kara-Leah GrantMusings from the Mat

Cut wide open.

Seems a potent time to write.

Learning to not make drama out of the drama. I’m up. I’m down. It’s all just a ride. Hang on, stay centered, don’t forget to take in the view.

It’s relentless. Designed that way I guess. No time to come up for air, except the time you make. There’s always time. I know that. Talk about it in my book. Yoga. That’s the time we make.

God knows how single parents survive without yoga.

Yoga’s my secret weapon against tantrums and pinching and biting and yelling and screaming and all the other joys of my day to day life right now. Works most of the time.

Except when my shit comes up. Toss in a tantruming three year old with surfacing emotions and I begin to crack.

This weekend, on the yoga conference, I watched other parents. They usually come in twos. One takes the children, the other goes to class. Then they swap. One tends the child, the other adult tends the child carer. I had a taste of that, as my friends stepped in to help out – I got to go to class, I had dishes washed for me and food brought to me.

Somehow though, that taste of double-adult action makes my heart ache all the more.

As does watching my son with my male friends as he delights in being boy to their man. All weekend, he was asking after other boys and men.

“Where’s that man?”

It’s something I can’t give him, no matter how hard I try or wish to. There’s only one of me and I’m all woman.

And maybe that’s where this sense of loss arising today has come from. We’re only two when we should be three. I’m only woman when there should be man as well.

I’m only human when a single parent needs to be a super hero.

It’s got me reflecting – on men and relationship. It’s been nearly two and a half years since I left Samuel’s father. The longest I’ve been single as an adult. (A couple of short-term relating experiences along the way).

I’ve been so wrapped up in working hard to build financial independence for Samuel and I, and a path for myself as a writer and teacher that men and relationships haven’t featured. Plus I live in a small town at the end of the world.

What are the chances of a man walking into my town?

But I know better than that. I know our internal world has much to say about our external experience. I know where there’s a will, there’s a way. I know that what we focus on, we create.

Witness the publishing of a book in six months. If I can make a book, I can open to a relationship. Yet I’ve been reluctant to turn my manifesting talents on a relationship – wary that it’s desperate to want to be in a relationship at all. Desperate or needy or something.

This weekend… something broke wide open. I saw the difference two makes in the raising of a child. I saw the difference two makes in the sharing of a life. In the seeing I saw it was ok to want that. To desire that. To be clear about it all.

Today, a friend passed on an article about spiritual relationship and as I read it I knew. That’s what I want. Not a relationship that’s co-dependent or clingy or needy.

No, I want a relationship with a clear intention to support the spiritual growth of each person.

I’ve had tastes of this, in a relationship I had last year for a few months. A beautiful man and close friend, we brought our full awareness to the time we spent together and both of us grew, even if ultimately our growing wasn’t along the same path.

Then though, I still had to find my own feet in my life – I had to find and write my book. That done, it’s time to turn my attention to other manifesting. And as I suggest in Forty Days of Yoga, there’s nothing like announcing an intention publicly to help it along. (Witness the book itself).

So it’s spiritual union I intend – two people who have a wider, broader, deeper perspective on the nature of relating and understand that there is nothing to hold on to – no relationship as such. All there ever is is moments to open, and to feel, and to respond.

It’s much much much harder than one might think.

Intimate relationships trigger all our shit, and it’s easy to blame the other person for what we’re feeling.

It’s far harder to take responsibility for it and allow them to support us as we work through and let go of it. It’s also tough to stay open and close to the person who’s triggering our shit – we either run like hell or fight like hell.

Call it the yoga of relating if you like. An aligning to truth when two people dare to share all.

I’m ready to step into that again – whether it turns up next week, next month or next year. It doesn’t matter, as nothing is lacking in me right now.

I am full – and what a place to share from.

Read more: Men, Relationships, Lust, Desire & ObsessionDo I dare open into the belly of my own desire?

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Comments

  1. J says

    No doubt you will be fighting them off in droves (how many in a drove?). Wishing you Love and Happiness, my friend.

    • Kara-Leah Grant says

      Hey Eve,

      The curious matter is that admitting to any kind of “longing” for relationship makes me feel uncomfortable – which points toward an area of inquiry. Thanks!

      KL

  2. Gisele lupi says

    Thank you for your amazing honesty, yet again, Kl! I can relate so much… even though without a child to consider…It seems imperative there ought to be an “other”. To share with, and to serve…..a shift in me is required ;-)!

    • Kara-Leah Grant says

      Hey Gisele,

      Oh stay tuned – there’s going to be a few posts on this theme I think… much to explore around the idea of yoga & relationship.

      KLx

  3. says

    i hear ya, mama! i also noticed that at the Yoga festival… and thought how nice it would be to not always be the “single mama”. And then thought i was needy for thinking it haha. your article has given me something to ponder. Hari Aum, Michelle.
    ps it was nice to meet you there, brief as it was, and your class was a lovely way to start the day :-)

    • Kara-Leah Grant says

      Hey Michelle,

      How hard we are on ourselves eh? It was lovely to meet you too. Best part of the festival was meeting people like yourself.

      Many blessings,
      KL

  4. says

    World’s apart- we are but so similar! Your journey with your son has just begun and so much awaits you both. My son is now a young man of 21 and has a different outlook on life than his other friends, having been raised by a single (yoga) mother. Along the way I was quite lonely for many years, feeling incomplete, inadequate and sometimes inconsolable. but i found my path so far was to find myself, most often through the eyes of my son. Now that he is a man, I hope to find a man also. One that sees and appreciates my strength. Good luck in your path! Know that you are enough in yourself!

    • Kara-Leah Grant says

      Hey Carol,

      I see other friends of mine who have also raised children solo… and it’s lovely being able to see how the journey shifts and changes and rewards and challenges along the way.

      May a man of your stature arrive effortlessly in your life!

      Blessings,
      KL

  5. Susan says

    I so ‘get’ this article! Im enjoying so many aspects of being single but sometimes would love to meet someone but then feel like a loud voice is yelling at me saying “you lack for nothing, everything you need is already in your life” but this is just from reading one too many ‘the secret’ type books!
    I love reading you writing, keep it up :)

  6. Catherine says

    Your article put into words what I think , I too am the single mother of the most beautiful sensitive 2 year old boy who only sees his father every 3 weeks or so (his cchoice not mine) and it breaks my heart as I want so much more for him, he deserves the world and if i could I would give it to him. I worry that I am not enough for him, that being the parent that is always there means that you are the one that has to do all the discipling too and then father swooops in once a month and gets to be the superhero! AM not bitter or giving out about it, I am delighted for my son when he does get to spend time with his father but I am human too and it does rankle me slightly!!! anyway am delighted I found your blog, its great, like one of your other comentators I am a world away (Ireland) but similar experiences and feeling :-)I look fwd to ordering your book on my next payday x

    • Kara-Leah Grant says

      Hey Catherine,

      Lovely to hear from you. I’m coming to the realization that being a single parent might be one of the toughest jobs in the world – there’s just no respite and it can feel relentless! It is so tough!

      Many blessings,
      KL

  7. says

    I was raised by a single parent and I know all these years she has been trying to fill the role of both mother and father. She did everything to provide for us – emotionally, physically and financially, and I am more than happy and grateful for what she did. You both, along with many other single parents are amazing. I wish you find what your heart desires. :)

    • Kara-Leah Grant says

      Hey Ces,

      Thank you for your comment – heart-warming to read! I wonder sometimes what my son will remember and feel from all these times we have together and this life we’re living together.

      Many blessings,
      KL

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