You are currently browsing comments. If you would like to return to the full story, you can read the full entry here: “How I Finally Kicked my Co-dependent Relationship to the Kerb”.
Comments
Trackbacks
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Yoga Pradana Karra and adanlerma, yogalunchbox. yogalunchbox said: Even strong women have co-dependent relationship samskaras that need to be worked through! http://bit.ly/eOG6pP […]
[…] That’s meant fully feeling the grief of leaving a man I deeply loved, and paradoxically, fully feeling the joy of finally being free of a destructive relationship dynamic. […]
[…] relationship I’ve ever experienced. I still felt like shit about myself – which was one major reason why I put up with the relationship I was […]
[…] I was four months pregnant, the relationship had become so difficult (my ex-partner was an addict, we were co-dependent, there was emotional and verbal abuse, there was appeasement, accommodating and victimhood) that […]
adan says
is wow even enough for this?
besides, “your” wow is the wow that counts 😉
liked that you gave a definition in italics: “samskara (impressions derived from past experiences that influence future responses and behavior)”
lot of people might not know the meaning, and lots more might think of it in their own individual way – understandable, since it seems a lot of sanskrit terms, like latin greek and tex-mex, are interpreted in various ways 😉
and, truly, all the best with “conscious, present people…that was the kind of relationship I wanted to be in. Which meant that was the kind of person I had to be – conscious and present.” – for me it’s always been a process, and, as i’ve gotten older, seems more a process than ever now!
mucho mucho for you kara-leah 😉
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Adan,
Samskara is such a helpful concept when it comes to figuring out recurring patterns like this… especially when they don’t line up with who we think we are.
And yes, conscious and present relationships are SO precious. My ex-partner and I are now stepping into that space as we negotiate being single parents, and it’s much nicer!
Blessings,
KL
Elise says
Thank for sharing your heart with us! I also recently ended a co-dependent relationship, and I was near tears reading your post. You are so strong for finding your voice & seeing what really was. It’s hard to realize you’re standing in sh*t when you’re in it so deep it’s covering your eyes & clogging your nose.
And now it’s about finding happiness & wholeness within ourselves! We don’t need anyone else to make us complete 🙂
*hugs from New Jersey, USA
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Elisa,
You know, I was in two-minds about this article – whether to publish or not. And getting your comment helps confirm that this kind of thing needs to be written about.
I LOVE your metaphor too. So beautiful, in a shitty kind of way 😉
I hope you’re rockin’ being by yourself!
Many blessings,
KL
Laurie says
I am so glad you wrote this since I have found you on Facebook I have been so blessed to receive your path and wisdom.
I am going through ending my love and I”s relationship
So painful
But I can’t control anyone but myself !
And I desire to be valued and value others !
Again thank you
Kara-Leah Grant says
My pleasure Laurie. So glad these writings are of use to you.
Much love,
KL
Trudi Collins says
Bravo KL!!! Love to ya sister xxx
Kara-Leah Grant says
Thanks Trudi!!! Much love to you too 🙂
kate tanner says
Hi there, warrior woman!
Kate here, finally reading you. What a journey…. Fear of rocking that boat and then a massive earthquake comes along and rocks it for us…We knew our feelings at that first earthquake together in Christchurch were right, that that was not the end, nor the ‘big one’… seems we were right or rather in tune. Both scared. That absolute truth is sometimes hard for me to accept, hard for me to believe myself. Thanks you for sharing your journey with us all and for being a part of my life. Keep in touch lovely. Still at my tranquil cottage… experiencing momentary waves of truth for myself counteracted by the truth of what others want to hear!
Blessings to all. kate.
Kara-Leah Grant says
Kate!
Hello!
It has been a journey huh? That first earthquake sure shook up the root chakra, in all aspects. And I wish we hadn’t been right about there being another big one coming. But truth will not be silenced eh?
Enjoy the tranquility of your cottage and stay true to the warrior woman inside!
Blessings,
KL
Charlotte says
Thanks so much for writing this. In the middle of a similar situation myself. I know it has to end and that the fear of being alone is not worth the price I pay by denying my self every day. Great to hear the story of a strong, independent woman who overcame this type of way of being. Kia kaha, namaste.
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Charlotte,
All power to you sister, face that fear head on! I’m soooooooooooo glad I finally did! Put that Self of yours first.
Much strength always,
KL
Paula says
Great post. This is what it is about. Being strong on your own and knowing that you have the inner resources and don’t ‘need’ a partner, but rather are with someone to enhance your already fulfilling life
Kara-Leah Grant says
Beautifully stated Paula!
Blessings,
KL
Svasti says
I can’t tell you how much I relate to your post. I have this suspicion that many of those co-dependent issues that we have, arise from our culture and the “fairy tales” and mythology we learn as we grow up – of what it is to be a human being in our society.
Women especially, I think are taught to love like this. There’s so much at stake: being partned up = being a worthwhile person, right? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg and definitely relates to that “deep fear & insecurity”.
Not speaking up is about not wanting to lose the love we so desperately crave – forgetting of course, that we can be and are our own self-generating source of Love. We think we have to get it from someone else, and until we learn to be our own Light and Love, it’s tricky to properly be in an appropriate relationship.
This is what I’ve been learning about myself, anyway. But totally flying solo for the past five or so years.
What you’ve done is both wonderful and (I’m sure) scary. But it’s the best thing you could have done for yourself and your child. Because if there’s one thing I’ve noticed with my nieces (no little ones of my own unfortunately), they start absorbing things early. Not just actions and words, but feelings, too. They take on board our anxieties and reactions and they learn the “rules” of this world from how the grown ups around them behave.
Fabulous post, beautiful words, Kara-Leah!
Kara-Leah Grant says
Hey Svasti,
I think you’ve hit it bang on – I grew up obsessed with fariytales, and while my Mum bought me a book called “The Practical Princess and other liberating fairytales” (she rescues herself) there’s no doubt that the myth lives on in our cells!
I know for me, in this relationship in particular (long-term relationship #6, I had a real sense of not wanting to “fail” again, of wanting to make it work. So I worked really, really, really hard at this… not realising the model was inherently flawed!
And yes, not speaking up was ALL about not losing the love…
I can’t imagine being solo for five years… but who knows where this journey will take me now?
Thank you for such a wise & heartfelt comment,
KL
Paul says
This article struck me. Hard. As I’m reading this, I feel as though this is what my soon to be ex wife must feel. She’s said many of the same things. Leaving me feeling lower than low. Don’t know if we’re both co dependent, but in truth, I absolutely adored her, mind body and soul. She was my moon in the sky. I was hers, for a time. She has stated I “stopped trying” by not securing a more ‘grown up’ job and in those years, she stopped feeling the same. I honored her, respected her, and treated her like a queen. Perfect? Hell no. But she lit up my life and made sure she knew how unconditionally loved she was. I wonder why, when reading this, “I” felt like the bad guy! My heart aches even writing this. We have children, and I always thought I married my best friend….only to watch her fade away and be powerless to stop it. She says we were too ‘small’. Much like what you said about present, conscious, people. I agreed actually. I feel Ive diminished, and sorely wanted growth. Thought we could grow together and uplift each other. Hate feeling this way. I love her with all Ive got and want the best for her. Hurts that it might be someone else…..