Going inward, discerning truth
by Kara-Leah Grant, Musings from the Mat
This morning I woke up, ready to film the new video for my PledgeMe Campaign. I’d had a great Skype session last night with the videographer, Nick Tapp, and he’d been fabulous. I’d been excited when we’d hung up, excited when going to bed.
But this morning, I just felt tired. I felt tired as I got my son ready for childcare, tired as I organised dropping my car off to the mechanics for repairs. Tired as I came home and checked my inbox, and my phone.
Two messages in particular stood out for me. Both from friends who have helped me with the campaign to date, both of them too over-whelmed and with too much to do to offer any more help.
I sat down in meditation and felt into my body. I wondered why I felt so dead, so down. Why wasn’t I excited about filming the second video? Where was my connection to Self, to infinite energy, to all that is?
As I sat, and felt into the idea of doing the video, and then all the rest of the campaign that was to follow, all I could feel was a burden. Another thing to do on top of my full & busy life, another thing to do that has no guarantee of offering anything to me in return. I felt into the experience of all these people around me, struggling to manage their full & busy lives, and I had this sense of not wanting to add just one more thing to the mix.
One more thing to do, one more thing to give to, one more thing to worry about, one more thing, in a world full of things.
In three weeks time, I’m moving back down south to live with my Mum for a few months. I feel a profound sense of relief at this shift, a sense of going home – even though I was 29 when I first went to Mum’s house in Glenorchy. The mountains are my home.
The three weeks before I leave were going to be full up with campaigning, writing, interviewing, working for Enspiral, packing up, saying goodbye, tying up loose ends, dealing with this and dealing with that.
Once I hit the road, either the campaign would have been successful or it wouldn’t.
I knew in my heart that the idea it wouldn’t be successful was beginning to fill me with a sense of relief. I would have some spaciousness to just travel down south and see what arises, while being a mother to my son. I’d have time to spend with friends and family along the way without working. I wouldn’t be obligated to so anything, for anyone. I’d be free to be me.
But because the campaign was already underway, I also felt a sense of duty, a desire to serve the needs of the book and of the yoga community. I didn’t want to quit, just because it felt good for me.I wanted to serve, truly serve. I was prepared to do what it took to make the book a reality, if that was serving the community.
So this morning, as I sat in meditation, that was my mantra.
I surrender, I surrender, I surrender, I surrender to serve, I surrender to serve, I surrender to serve.
And as I felt into that space, I felt myself retreating, withdrawing, settling in, and letting go. I felt in my heart that making this book was not serving, it was something else, coming from a different part of me.
It was already 10am, and Nick was arriving at 10:30am. I had to make a decision fast to avoid wasting any more of his time. I opened my eyes and paused. Felt into my body. My heart was thumping. I could feel fear at calling Nick, fear at saying no to the campaign, fear of letting go, of quitting, of being a failure. Fear of losing face.
So that’s what I did.
I moved toward the fear, felt the fear and dived into it and made the phone call.
I let go of the second video.
I’m letting go of the campaign.
Now that I have, I don’t feel like I’ve failed. I feel like I’ve been successful. I’ve successfully felt into the truth of the situation, and honoured that. I’ve surrendered to life, and honoured that. I’ve let go. The process itself has been successful, all the way through last week’s meltdown and onward.
Do I believe that there is an amazing book inside me just waiting to come to life?
Yes.
Do I need the financial support of the YLB community to make it happen?
No.
Plus there’s something deeper at play here.
Last week, as I worked through the emotional beliefs and patterns that had been initially triggered by the campaign, I noticed something about my energy.
When there’s emotion that needs to be felt, I have a tendency to disconnect from life, from my body, and from my heart. I move away from the pain. This can lead to a deadening sensation, or a depressed sensation. Once I feel into what’s actually there, and be with it, this moves through.
The morning after the moving through, I was out walking with Samuel, and I was all excited and super-energetic. I had a real sense of clarity and go go go about me. Yet, I realised in my walk that this was the flipside of the deadening sensation. It wasn’t a clarity of heart and a relaxing into what is. No, it was a damned determination to make something happen. I may have let go of an old emotional pattern, but I was still using the strength of my mind to drive head-long through life.
This is not a bad thing per se. In fact, it’s a great strength that can be used to make all kinds of things happen.
But underneath this pattern of being was the same root issue as what was underneath the depression. In one instant I tried to leave life, in the other instant I tried to control life. Withdrawing, controlling. Different looking patterns, same under lying issue. Welcome to duality.
I knew in that moment that I still had work to do around surrender, around true service, around motivation.
That day, an article from Marianne Elliott showed up in my inbox. Heroism, Dependency and exit strategies, an interview with Batman. This jumped out at me:
Batman:
If you ask us why we do what we do, we might tell you a admirable story about justice and service. But dig beneath the surface and you will find something less noble. We are the abandoned kids, the jilted lovers, the unjustly imprisoned of the world.
Marianne:
So it’s almost as though the superhero gig is a way to put right what has gone wrong in your own lives?
Batman:
…superheroes are motivated by guilt, shame, fear and anger as much as they are by love, justice and service. We’re a shadowy crew. No doubt about that.
I’ve been sensing this about myself for some time now. That what’s been driving me to work so hard on The Yoga Lunchbox, and all the spin-off projects like the PledgeMe Campaign has a strong shadow aspect. Last week’s meltdown helped me to sense deeper into what that shadow was – my own unconscious sense of worthlessness and failure.
I’ve been wanting to prove I’m worth something.
See, look at what I’m freely giving you, look how awesome it is, I do have something worth offering, I am worth something.
Batman goes on to say in his interview, Heroism, Dependency and exit strategies, an interview with Batman:
I’m always asking myself honest questions, like what are my real motivations for this work? Am I really doing it to help and serve others, or am I doing it to feel like my life has purpose, like I’m a good person?
These are important questions.
And they are questions I’ll be pondering for the rest of the year I imagine.
In the meantime, I’ll continue to do a damn good job on The Yoga Lunchbox, because I love it, regardless of what motivations may be driving me, or have driven me.
But I’ll also be allowing myself the space to relax.
Just relax, and be, me. That’s all.
Without the need to be more, than just, me.
About Kara-Leah Grant
Wow, KL, I so love your honesty…Marianne’s article went over my head, but you have very much made sense of it for me. I totally honour what you have put out there, and am hoping I will still be able to support your writing efforts in whatever way. See you soon.
Gisele,
Taking the time to comment is great support. It’s awesome to hear people’s responses, and I love that you’re always there, saying something, and helping to spread the word. Much appreciated! KLx
Kara-Leah, thank you for your honesty – and I truly get where you are coming from, because I am in a similar situation: working in a business that doesn’t fulfill me, yet afraid to let go because the business defines me and who I am.
To start again in a new business means I have to re-invent myself in other people’s minds – a daunting task, and one that is making me hold back on following through to do the work I would love to do.
But as you point out, it’s all a matter of perspective. Quitting or letting go? I can choose what words to use to define my actions. Quitting is the word I have been applying – but letting go (and moving onto something that fulfills me) is far more compassionate to my inner self. And when it comes down to it, as selfish as it sounds, I am the only person to consider in this – because if I am not happy in my work I am not producing work to the highest standards that my clients deserve.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post., it’s given me that final push, and reassurance that it’s okay to ‘let go’ of my current business, and move towards what is right for me.
Hey Angie,
Big questions eh? How to navigate through our responsibilities to other people while being who we truly are… Language and perspective does shape our reality… and we chose both of these things.
Here’s to reinvention. allowing for dynamic change, and always being true.
Blessings,
KL
I’ll tell you what you are – what you have always been: brave enough to ask yourself the hard questions, and brave enough to answer them. You have – as always – my love and admiration no matter what you choose.
Ah Marianne – thank you!
Kara-Leah,
thank you for sharing all of this.
I’m the same as you, “using the strength of my mind to drive head-long through life”.
How to not be controlling without losing control is one of my questions right now. How do you do that?
My warmest, most heart-felt HUG.
Hey Bettinna,
Great question! Maybe it’s ok to just lose control? Maybe control is just an illusion anyway? Maybe accepting what’s right in front of us, and responding honestly, is all we can ever do?
Feeling your hug.
KL
Yes and yes!
Ahhh, lovely! Just read your previous post & sent you a facebook message.
Love this – complete heartfelt honesty about all of the real ‘tough stuff’.
Real. Vulnerable. Authentic.
X
Thanks Donna – will check out your facebook message.
KL
What is TYLB? Is it a book, a personal blog (it seems that way to me), a NZ yoga website, a public meditation, self promotion, advertising, a way to pass time, a way to generate sympathy and support, a way to connect with people, a way for people to connect, a business?
Hi David,
YLB is juicy conversations on making yoga a part of your daily life.
Musings from the Mat is my column on this website, which is my personal blog about integrating the practice of yoga (beyond asana) into life.
YLB is also a New Zealand yoga website, and gives the yoga community a place to advertise their events, classes and workshops, plus write about aspects of yoga in their life. There’s 7 regular columnists covering all aspects of yoga including meditation, teaching, yoga off the mat, yoga of food, a comedic take on yoga and an earth-connected view of yoga. We publish video interviews with teachers, and have recently started publishing short instructional videos as well.
It is intended that eventually YLB will pay it’s own way, but as of yet, I haven’t found a way to monetize the website while maintaining it’s integrity. To that end, it’s largely a labour of love produced as time and resources allow. It’s homegrown in every way possible.
I always find questions of yoga and money hard to answer.
I found it interesting that Mark was against the commercialization of yoga but also has a book for sale. I’m for selling products and services but where is the line?
I, too, have been thinking about how to monetize my own yoga website, but I don’t want to hawk products that don’t feel in alignment with my me or my vision.
They are hard questions to answer… and well beyond the scope of a comment!
I honour your ability to feel into your truth Kara-Leah, and your courage and honesty to walk in it. I have found that peace, clarity, ease and flow exist as long as I am completely congruent within. I also find heaviness in situations or activities that I have not completely chosen to do, or when I find that my choice is made unconsciously, knee-jerk, instead of from core knowing, clarity and truth.
The heaviness and effort dissolve when I release myself to my truth and integrity, as you did. Then the power of knowing guides me unerringly in each instant, regardless of how strange and non-sensical the path ahead may seem.
Definitely not failure. Letting go to rest in my own Truth.
I follow the scent of this light above all – I have learned to trust it. And sometimes I still throw a purple fit, because perfection can be messy and difficult and painful. But after my feelings have had their space my core knowing reasserts itself. Like you I reconnect, sink into my Om, my IAmThat, my Allness. And all is well, even when it appears not to be.
Thank you for your words, from one wordsmith to another. It is lovely to read your process and see mine, somehow that’s affirmative.
I would like to write for your site (see my blog if you’re curious) but I am not exactly a yogini – although I love the 15 minute series of simple asanas I do on my office floor several days a week. It is such a pleasure to stretch mind and body, and to be able to get heels on the floor for downward dog after all these years!
Wishing you a wonderful time with your mother and your son – refreshment, rest, and clarity.
Namaste
Maddy
Hey Maddy,
Loved reading your comment, and would love to see more of your writing. If you’re practicing yoga a few times a week in the office…that’s a yogini at work! The link you left doesn’t work, so please add another comment with the right link.
Many blessings,
KL
How odd that the link didn’t go – try http://www.ensyth.com/blog.aspx – does that work?
xx
M
Yes, that works. It was missing the correct ending. Will have a look and get back to you. Thanks!
KL