Tuning in - now what?
by Kara-Leah Grant, Musings from the Mat
I don’t know how to teach yoga anymore. I haven’t known how to teach yoga since I came back from my Immersion Training with Shiva Rea.
Ironic eh?
Before certification, I knew exactly what I was doing, and taught with ease and love.
After certification, I questioned everything I was doing, and taught with effort and struggle.
I don’t think I can blame Shiva though, or her teacher training. It’s something that’s happened inside me, to my practice, and my understanding of yoga.
I don’t practice yoga the way that most classes are taught anymore. I don’t even practice the way I was taught to by Shiva. So how on earth am I meant to teach?
*****
After my Shiva Training, I only taught a handful of classes before taking a break while I dealt with leaving my partner, moving to Wellington, and setting up a new life with my son. I figured that whatever had been going on in my teaching would fix itself in good time. I spent a year practicing yoga my way, and finishing my certification process.
All seemed well to launch my new public classes in February of this year.
All was not well.
At first I thought this not-wellness was because I didn’t have many students showing up to class, and teaching was costing me money. (Although I’ve often taught very small classes and loved the process.)
Then my friend and esteemed yoga studio owner Kelly offered me a spot teaching at her well-patronized studio Urban Yoga. Full class, great money.
The not-wellness persisted.
I wondered if it was the structure of teaching public classes… maybe I needed the time and intensity of workshops. So I taught a couple of workshops.
More not-wellness.
Last night, while teaching, and watching these feelings I was having, an insight arose.
Is this about self-judgment? Was my confidence as a teacher destroyed by seeing a consumate professional delivering exceptional classes when I went to LA? Is it a case of, if I can’t teach to that standard, I can’t teach?
I don’t know. It’s something to ponder.
It also made me wonder whether stepping away from teaching was the answer. Am I just running from an uncomfortable feeling? If teaching is as much a practice as practice is a practice, then am I in aversion or avoidance?
I don’t know. It’s something to ponder.
My first years of serious daily practice were marked with serious mat-resistance. But I persisted with my practice because I felt obligated to practice daily for my students, and as a result I experienced many emotional releases on the mat. Invariably, I felt better after staying with the process, working through the resistance, and being with what arose. Am I experiencing something akin to mat-resistance – like teaching-resistance?
I don’t know. It’s something to ponder.
Normally when I teach, an unbroken flow of asana and instruction arises unbidden in my mind and I merely give voice to what’s there. It feels like channelling. Lately, the flow has been broken, and at times I’ve felt completely lost, not knowing what on earth we’re meant to do next. I feel like I’m out at sea and have lost sight of the horizon and the sky all at once. Am I stuck in mind?
I don’t know. It’s something to ponder.
My practice has changed too. It’s slower, more meditative, and less than it’s ever been. When I do get on the mat with the intention of doing a strong asana practice, I get dizzy and light-headed and experience strong, spontaneous movement. Within in a few minutes, I’m on the floor in child, following the breath. Am I done with asana?
I don’t know. It’s something to ponder.
It’s times like this I miss having a teacher of my own, someone I could talk to about what’s going on. No doubt, this is just another stage in the journey. I know there’s nothing to figure out, nothing to work out, nothing even to understand. But I don’t have a teacher, so I do what I’ve always done, right through out my years of yoga practice.
I practice staying present.
I stay open and curious.
I stay in alignment with myself, and observe what arises.
I remind myself that eventually, something will shift, and all those ‘I don’t knows’ will turn into ‘A-ha’s!’.
And until then, I’m mindful of wrapping any kind of story around around this experience. It too will pass.
******
Two days after I wrote this, I taught at Urban Yoga. During my practice, before teaching, I had an “Oh fuck it!” moment.
I resolved then and there that I was going to forget all about how I was supposed to teach, how I’ve been trained to teach, how I’ve been told I’m meant to teach, and I was just going to teach. My way.
After all, I had nothing to lose anymore.
Making that resolve brought up a whole swack of fear deep in my belly… and I knew I was stepping into unknown territory here. I’d just read Mike Berghan’s excellent article Parampara: The importance of lineage in Yoga, and I was about to do everything he argues against.
I have no lineage.
I have no guru.
I’m practicing/teaching something different every time.
I’m surrendering to the flow of Prana within and trusting that what I am guided to do is what the class needs, and what I need.
This scares me.
Who am I to presume that I know how to tune into Yoga without guidance from a guru, without direct transmission of knowledge from a guru? Who I am to presume that I am guided by something other than my own deluded ego. Who am I indeed?
In the wake of this fear and these doubts, I decided that I was going to trust myself.
Nineteen students rocked up to class, including Kelly herself. I was so nervous starting class that my voice was shaking. After a long child’s pose with guided breath meditation to help students come into breath awareness and presence, I made an announcement. It went something like this.
This class is going to be an experiment.
Our focus today is not on doing particular asana, or making our bodies look a particular way. Our focus is on freedom. We’re going to open our bodies, finding more freedom in the way that we move. We’re going to open our minds, finding more freedom in the way we see the world. And we’re going to open our hearts, finding more freedom in the way that we feel.
I invite you to join me on this experimental journey, observing your body and your breath as we breathe and move together. It won’t always look like ‘yoga’, but if you’re attuned to your breath, and you’re present, it will always feel like Yoga.
And we did.
I took the class through a led-practice, where we played, and explored, and breathed, and observed, and broke free of the way that things are meant to be and should be.
After class, I felt amazing. I felt like I knew how to teach again – the way I always had, back before I knew any better – directly from my own practice. It’s not perfect sequencing, it’s not perfect asana, it’s just me, being me, allowing the process of Yoga to unfold in the moment.
That’s all.
Yoga as process, not as posture.
About Kara-Leah Grant
This is quite thoughtful, and as such I want to talk about lineage a bit, the transmission of yoga, and gurus — as I understand it.
Foremost, the role of the teacher is to get the students on their feet in the teachings of the lineage, and then set them on their way. This is no different than sending a child to school, expecting that he will pass each year, gaining knowledge, gathering new teachers, and eventually graduating, and then taking that knowledge into the world, mix it with his own insights and talents, and create something new and vibrant that helps all. It’s firmly rooted in the teachings, but also is it’s own special “take” on that information.
This is lineage. Sam and Hawk both will have many teachers over the next 15-20 years. This will form their primary education, and when they graduate from high school, trade school or university, they will take that information and become vibrant contributors to our society. Seeing how vibrant they are now, as such little boys, I can only imagine what they will be as young men.
Would we want them, at the age of 20, too afraid to step out of the mathematics they were taught in year 2? Or too afraid to experiment with wood working than what the were taught in grade 9? Of course not. We want them to be creative! Do we not?
And honestly, do we want them holding to our apron-strings at age 30 — when they should be free men, living vibrant lives with children and partners and dogs and cats and goldfish of their own?
We want them to take the knowledge that we give them and Do Something with it.
This is also what teachers want for their students — whether we teach yoga or cooking or maths. At the end, we are just helping to set a foundation on which someone can build their own true expression.
This is what Krishnamacharya did. Look at the extension of his lineage: Astanga, Iyengar, Desikachar, Indra Devi are the “big four” coming out of his school — that we know here in the West (or South Pacific!). While all of these people share the same teacher, each has a distinctly different *take* and application of his teaching. They emphasize different things based on who they are, how they practice yoga, and what they see in their students and in their world.
Each created a distinctly creative system of yoga based on the teachings of Krishnamacharya.
So I always beg this question: what is lineage?
Lineage goes backward and *forward*. You are lineage, and I am lineage, even though neither of us is famous like Iyengar or Jois. We are carrying forward the traditions of the past, what we have learned from our teachers, into our present and future based on what is right in front of us — not egotism, but a knowledgable foundation on which our experience expands method.
Just as Jois expanded method. Just as Devi expanded method. None of them teach “Krishnamacharya script” — they teach in the lineage. So, you teach in the lineage of Shiva Rae, and you are her lineage and her legacy also.
Now, this often gets confused around guru, so it might be relevant to talk about what gurus are, how transmission works, and all that jazz.
In the tradition, there are three primary ways that people gain insight: 1. hard work; 2. transmission from a guru; 3. immediate insight.
The first is simply practice. A person practices the prescribed elements, and over time, the practice bears it’s natural fruit. The pitfall of a practice that is wholly independent is that it can easily fall into egotism without specific guidance from a teacher or guru.
The second is the transmission of insight through presence with a guru. A guru is understood to be “above” the normal everyday folks in terms of spiritual development. And, this transmission often occurs silently.
What is interesting about this is that you don’t actually have to know the guru to have one. It is similar in buddhism. You don’t have to actually know a buddha to get transmission, and in fact, transmission of buddhadharma can happen just by looking at an image of the buddha or thinking about the buddha. And many get transmission through dreaming of a buddha. This transmission process through extraordinary means comes directly out of the hindu tradition. Just looking at an image of your guru, or dreaming of one, equals transmission.
The trouble with this method, of course, is the “guru trip.” We have all read of fallen gurus, their human sides coming to light. Does this make their transmission less real or true? I do not know. But the other side of the guru trip is the individual handing over too much personal authority to the guru — rather than holding personal responsibility for their own spiritual life. So, it can be messy without clarity.
The third method is the experience of spontaneous insight. This happens to most people all of the time — and not always in the dramatic ways such as you have experienced. The trouble with the most dramatic versions is that it can create a psychotic break — and the risks are well documented in India with many hospitals designed to help with that sort of kundalini rising. But in a much more mundane way, we come to insight all the time in the simple process of contemplation.
Of course, with this, too, we can become self-important. And that is a risk of simply being a human being.
And yet, there is always the hope in sincere practice and clear channels of personal accountability.With our own sincere heart and dedication to practice, and a community on which we can rely, we set ourselves up to succeed in our practice of yoga.
Beyond big picture, here are some brass tacks:
1. For the first several years of my teaching, as the method of my teaching revealed itself, i taught wholly intuitively. As you said, I would walk into the room, feel the prana and “go!” The real benefit os this, to me, is that the method that was arising out of my teaching (that is, what my teachers taught me) and my practice was coming into bloom. I was beginning to see and understand and feel what the students needed and wanted in their practices and from me.
I often called it “channelling.” Now, it’s much more “codified” into a sort of method.
So, I would say that you are in the right place.
2. No need to judge yourself so harshly.
Some people are called to stay close. There is no wrong in practicing Only Astanga in the exactly prescribed ways for the rest of one’s life, and teaching that method as well. It is a method of great grace and beauty and has many benefits.
Some of us are not. I was first taught by my mother, then in Kripalu, Iyengar, and Astanga methods. Then Thai Yoga Massage and then Sivananda. I was blessed to have so many influences. I went to many teachers. What has arisen is it’s own thing. I have no single lineage, no single teacher. But I do count myself within the Krishnamacharya lineage, and with close connection to my teachers, and I am their lineage also. But, I take things in my own way — based on my practice, my experience, and my own process.
3. I have many dreams with gurus in them. Swami Vivikananda, who brought yoga to the World’s Fair in the late 1880s in the US, is always there. Perhaps I have a guru then, but goodness knows it could just be my unconscious mind working through it’s mess. Which isn’t a bad thing either.
4. Accountability is super important for me, and has become more so. If you would like, you may attend the teacher’s meeting that we have once a month at the studio. It might provide insight. Our next one is June 9. If you want more information, contact me.
I’m also taking personal supervision of my practice with one of the practitioners at the studio. It’s amazing for developing personal clarity, understanding, and boundaries. If you would be interested, I can hook you up. 
Many blessings. You are in the right place. As ever. Where else could you be?
Jenifer,
Amazing comments, as always. Such depth and clarity. I’m only going to reply to your second one, as I’m hoping we turn the first comment into an article.
I would love to be part of the teacher’s meeting at your studio – will get in touch for details. And yes, I too have had dreams, but with Shiva Rea in them. She came from Astanga, and teaches vinyasa in a similar manner to Krishnamacharya, so I guess there’s the lineage right there. And yes, you’re right, I do have an inner critic who can be harsh. I’m starting to notice her more and more, and realise I don’t have to listen to what she’s saying…
Thanks, as always, for adding such richness to the article with your comments.
Blessings,
KL
Hey Kara Leah
You mentioned in this and other articles that you have no guru. If a guru is someone who inspires others then prehaps you are the guru?
Blessings
Grant
Hey Grant,
Ha! Only-so-much as we all inspire each other when we shine forth our light into the world… And the guru being someone who shines forth light. But not, I’m no guru. in fact, part of this path I’m on does seem to be about having the strength and clarity to use life itself as the Guru and find one’s own path.
Blessings,
KL
I think Kara-Leah is an inspiration just by what she’s written on this blog and accomplished ~~ she’s inspirational to me! You just “BE”!~ Peace, love and light ~~ it will all come to you in it’s own time. . .
Thanks Karen!
Yoga and Life is a journey and you can be sure that it has its up and its downs, ” Within in a few minutes, I’m on the floor in child, following the breath. Am I done with asana?”
Having the knowledge that you could do this is a gift, there will be other times you’ll need other things.
In the wake of this fear and these doubts, I decided that I was going to trust myself.
KL this is a MUST. Your authentic and that intention matters.
With regards to Fear I had this one tape on my wall for many years. Is one of my favs sure opens lots of philosophical questions.
” Fear does not exist in objects or situations that confront you. It is an obstacle to action created by your mind, created solely by false ideas of weakness that have been taught to you by others. Whenever you are afraid, you have frightened yourself. Once you understand that you create your own fear, then you can learn to eliminate it. The will to excel is of far greater strength than any inborn talent. But you cannot do it half way. Excellence is never achieved by moderation.” Dr. Michael Colgan, OPTIMUM SPORTS NUTRITION,
The role of the guru is to help us realise that universal guru principle, so we can be free.
Namaste
Al
Hey Al,
Love that end sentence of yours… that the role of the guru is to set us free.
Blessings,
KL